Dealing with Sexual Trauma

hi there it's time for our Friday night spiritual insights with Michael Mayer dad thank you so much for joining us today somebody's asked me to talk about basically sexual experiences but unhealthy sexual experiences in it how to deal with those so essentially today we're going to go into that a bit now some people say I haven't had that it doesn't apply to me but be patient and listen because you may not be learning and listening hearing this for yourself and maybe so you can help others deal with these

kinds of things now long story short when we say unhealthy sexual experiences another way to say this is of course dealing with traumatic sexual experiences and again somebody might say well I don't know that I've had traumatic because it you must mean specifically like rape or incest and no incest would be the earliest one in our life that we might experience and of course rape in here in our lives too but those are only the two most dramatic forms so and I also want to say you know in my sensitivity level even as I'm

talking like this I start talking and I'm just going into the truth of the matter but then I can feel the shifts happening inside myself because I can feel the shifts happening in you even if you watch this years after I've done this I can still pick those things up believe it or not and so I'm I'm changing the tone just for a moment to say I know this is challenging I know that the topic is challenging I know it's you know unhealthy or challenging or traumatic experiences of any kind and

especially sexual kind I understand that what it does to our heart our soul our nervous system our energy systems and so on so just do your best to to breathe and hang in there you know just breathe and try to Center and do your best to kind of kind of calibrate into spirit ask God for some help for you to be able to hear the topic today now I find the topic to be beautiful and profound even though it's about trauma I find it to be beautiful and profound because first of all I don't when I think of someone who's been abused I

don't think of them as being labeled as abused I think of this beautiful soul and this even the beautiful body that their soul inhabits and you know terrible things happening to it but I I think of the soul the person and I feel sympathy and empathy and connection and all these different feelings you know basically for the person I feel for them and and it's important that we all feel for each other and our traumas and life's issues you know but at the same time to not make that person forever labeled as a helpless victim of some

kind this is a soul and for some reason their soul has gone through such-and-such whatever it is even if it's just financial challenge it still hurts it's still scary on that note when people say well how do I know if I've had a traumatic experience very simple a trauma is defined by me anyway trauma is defined as anything that lacks Love's presence anything that lacks love's presence is traumatizing in other words anything that lacks God you know is trauma it's traumatic to not feel God's presence

it's a beautiful definition do I think that mainstream world is going to embrace that definition no because my definition incorporates anything that does anything that that lacks God's presence and the mainstream world doesn't really understand or or bring God into everything so they're not going to get it they're going to get into intellectual labels of what trauma is they're going to define it as something neurological or psychological only it isn't it's spiritual and everything else

potentially so we've all had if you look at it that way traumatic the definition and then you bring yourself into relationship we've likely had traumatizing relationships traumatizing education in our life but today's topics focusing on trauma related to intimate or sexual experiences when we're choosing to be sexual or even intimate on any level we're really being vulnerable we're really being open and I've been a teacher of sacred sexuality and sexual healing for 43040 whatever

years and when I think of like I said when I think of people that have gone through trauma I just I see it them as such beautiful people sometimes it's very sad and sometimes it's very you just you know hurtful what they've gone through we've all gone through I understand that I'm not saying I just put on rose-colored glasses but the work I've done has been it almost unbelievable to the average person to a counselor they've heard some that average counselor clinical counsel they've heard some horrible things of

course but they're often hearing it just from a intellectual audio audio audible level they're hearing with their ears it's audible like to their ears I hear what's happening their heart feels it sometimes of course and they're often trained not all they're often trained to just listen and make notes and evaluate for me to do sexual healing work also to hold a person while they're remembering these experiences and they're collapsing they're screaming they're they're

challenged with all that that feeling it really takes it to another level to hear a man or woman remembering such horrid things and and yet when they come out to the light at the end of the tunnel I swear there's just I'm getting chills right now just just remembering and feeling it you know it's just breathtaking yeah it's it's really hard to go through those kinds of things it's kind of like in Greek mythology a lot of us would go oh you know I want to be like the Greek mythology of Diana or this goddess or

that goddess I want to walk through the forest you know nature and have animals walk up to me and I pet them and you know that's a wonderful part of mythology but all mythology also explains that the hero who's walking through the stories of any mythology the hero typically doesn't just get born walk through the forest pet the head of a beautiful you know deer stag or or bird or whatever and then ascend you know usually they go through hell in their process and what that's telling us in part is that we are coming to earth

we chose to make earth and this solar system and the universe a part of our journey and you're not going to have a complete Awakening without walking through hell Hades in Greek mythology you end up all souls they say in Greek mythology all souls have to journey to the underworld what do you think the underworld symbolizes well personal hell your own issues your traumas or whatever yeah it is but it's also the underworld is your unconscious self your subconscious the parts that we would rather not think about or remember but

look at what nature or look at mythology and look what the very nature of life is trying to do for us it's like saying you can't actually awaken without working on the hidden issues memories of course in miracles' has a couple times it makes reference to hide nothing from spirit hide nothing from the Divine Mother the Holy Spirit hide nothing he choose to have nothing you would not show to her you know Mom this happened to me today you know I remember and you might remember times when we've had accidents

when we're little I'm saying and it could have been we peed herself it could have been somebody's bullying us the things that weren't very nice you know and mom well how was school it was fine hmm she senses often what do you mean it seems like something's gonna you know what happened nothing well you wait you you have a scuff mark you have you're all dirty what happened and why hi guys are we so embarrassed to to just be honest and bring light to our hurts why do we want to run and hide this and

you can say well because people will laugh it's true people are pretty insensitive and screwed up in that regard but it's not going to help to hide it so I have to say this yes people seem to cause us to do things like hide our wounds but we're not doing ourselves much good the way we treat ourselves and hide these things first of all take responsibility and only we also have chosen to hide our stuff not just everybody else and what they might think we allowed ourselves to believe that and keep our stuff hidden furthermore you

could excuse well when we're little we didn't know what to say true I know cookie I'll give you that but now you're an adult so what good is it how could it possibly be convincing us that there's a value in hiding these things there isn't there isn't a value now that said that doesn't mean I'm shaming you're wrong in you for hiding such things in fact you know you might be convinced you still need to hide it what I'm saying is that I affirm the day will come where you no

longer fill a need to hide it and I think it's a glorious day when I work with clients and I'm saying to you - I'm not just telling you my stories I'm saying to all of us when we said in our mind as a friend as a parent and so on when we said in our mind that we are a safe vessel and we set the intention to say to those people that come to us or whatever people in our lives what happened well I don't like to talk about it well let's try well no and then you know sometimes they'll say well did you find the

such-and-such happened really went wow you're persistent yeah you know I don't know when I was little what age were you those of you who have had sessions with me on this topic or any topic really you know that I'm you know kind of a pain that way in a good way that I I'm not gonna have you spending your time and money and my time too going nowhere more counselors really would be so much more effective in so much more blessed if they would almost insist that the clients step forward and it helps us to be a safe space if they

can sense just like the animal nature of animals themselves in the animal nature of people if they sense in any way that we're kind of asking for our own weird reasons our agendas or that we're just not safe if we're some reason for some reason gonna you know share those disclosures to other people and so on it's on anything that makes us feel unsafe even energetically we feel unsafe they're right to keep their stuff to themselves they're right to be you know kind of doubtful I've only had in I

don't know how many tens of thousands of clients I must have had by now I can only remember one or two in all these years thirty or forty years I've been doing this in these 40 years now clients that didn't want to talk about it when they chose not to I think in the one or two instances I might have said well okay well let's talk about something else to be loving and helpful in some other way but I know that in the very again I can only remember a couple instances I would say that my tendency

when someone has said no thanks or when they tried to say no things and then they changed their mind sometimes which is I said to them then let's stop and that to me is you know basically a little knock on the head that hey you want to keep this keep it I'm not going to do it with you I'm not gonna be part of that and I'm not being hurtful or hateful I'm saying you have a chance this is the right time this is the right place we can do it and I felt confident in that and you all can feel confident

in that and I'm not saying you're always the right person they might need to go to a professional they might need to go to someone else a sponsor or whatever I'm just saying if you chew - you can learn to be a safer and safer person for others to be able to disclose and I said as I was saying a little while ago it's a horrible thing abuse of any kind but God to be a safe person for others and they come to you and they open up and disclose I just think it's the most beautiful thing in the world

even when the person is just shamed or shut down on some intimate level I just think it's so beautiful when they come forward you know I know that there are what they call sexual surrogates there's a couple of movies that have been made about that I think made very tactfully very beautifully you know where they and you know they share you know that what the life is like for a sex surrogate now there's different kinds there's people that do sex therapy and what they mean is I have training a little bit more

about the wounding around sexuality as well as the pleasures around sexuality I have more training so we can talk about more stuff around sexuality that's what the average sex therapists title label means but that doesn't always work it's not always about chitchat you know it does help a lot of people - for that foot first like foot in the door to get the conversation started I think it's great it's better than nothing but there's another level the second level of sex therapy where it's literally and

figuratively hands-on that means instead of just talking about tell me what happened when they say well this person you know force themselves on me that person might do a little bit of bodywork and like I my breath was affected and and you start doing some body work maybe to help the breath open up now it becomes something more visceral and somatic related to the body and it's beautiful so that's hands-on but it's so there's somebody still working on us in the level - of sex therapy don't just go

to somebody says they do sex therapy expect that you expect instead that 80% of the time there the counselors talking to you about those issues but there are a couple one and you know one or two out of every 10 if you go to somebody to sex therapy it means hands on but you'd have to study that research it to make sure that's what they do if that's what you want I would say I would never try to jump to stage two or three which I'll get to in a moment without at least addressing level one if you've never even talked about these

issues you should not jump to two and three let's let's find out what you even feel well I don't remember so I'm gonna go get some bodywork so it'll help me remember or get some hypnosis to help me remember no no do you even if you feel something is off you feel just really hyper inhibited let's say and you don't know why that's worth talking that they just talking about that even to find that out is enough to get us it started you know because you at least have a feeling do not assume that you have to

have vivid cognitive memories to say that something happened you know I I personally tell people let's just talk about it as a feeling so you feel such and such happen now based on that where did that come from how what age do you feel you're right I'll just talk about it on that level because after a while the feeling will either fade and it was just a feeling of some kind for some reason we'll find out that they'll day and I will discover or we'll find out the feeling is an actual memory that

started as a feeling to be safe but now it's starting to download as a memory let me add you do not have to have total cognitive memories to heal issues now some of you were like I'll thank God well you have to be willing to remember remember this I've worked at this a long time and I've worked such deep spiritual work I am blessed and grateful that I have different understanding than many that do this kind of work so please understand that whether you want to credit my experience or my integrity or

whatever if you want to credit one or the other or all of it trust that I'm saying that you know people do not have to remember to heal but they have to be willing to remember what's the difference well one means it's like you're putting pressure on the memory what person what child and what adult that's had trauma especially sexual trauma is looking forward to remembering and you're going to put that kind of pressure you have to remember or else it won't heal no no no of course not

God would never give you that kind allow that kind of a fate that we put ourselves it's hopeless God is all about hope spirit love healing it's all about hope so you don't have to remember but you although you might remember chances are good you're going to remember something but you don't have to but you do have to be willing to why because your willingness to remember if big if if something would be remember to come up it shows that you're willing to not be afraid of it I'm willing to remember

if I need to remember and it shows like a courage it shows I'm not going to allow that person from the past to keep me psychologically paralyzed and mobilize know I'm willing to remember if I need to remember who will decide that well it's kind of a cooperative decision and venture between you and the Holy Spirit God will the divine mother will weave into your mind and unplug a lot of stuff you will not even remember and that's fine thank thank God you know that a lot of that just gets dispersed

there are something that the Divine Mother is going to say to you sweetheart I love you and I know this is painful but I'm gonna ask you to look at this one piece she'll know why you don't have to know why but if a memory comes up trust that it's likely safe to do so and it's necessary in some way and you know on some level or in some way now I'm saying when it's done organically and gently if the therapist whether it's first level second level third level sex therapist is working on

you and they seem to force the issue that doesn't mean they're representing the Divine Mother you know you watch for that and and you have to remember to tell your healers therapists counselors I am going to remain if I don't want to do something I need to say so and they of course should encourage that if they say no you know you let you have to let me leave I wouldn't do it I would I just wouldn't do it but there's an interesting dance that you have to do you you know some of you have heard me do talks on similar topics

and I've said this before but when it comes to trauma trauma is when a human being was brought to the edge of a precipice an edge of a cliff and then pushed over the trauma is being pushed over you fall you're hurt meaning you're falling and psychologically wounded you're raped and molested you're beat or whatever it is you've been brought to an edge and then pushed over the person is hurting another person the person is wounding traumatizing they're being selfish and they're essentially there

it's almost like a form of torture when people do that healing is almost exactly the same there's a person involved another person involved very often the one person is brought to the edge just like in the other instance the only difference is they're not pushed over the edge so if two people make love they're at the edge because something could have gone there at the edge they're vulnerable they're open there's you know there's so it's such a beautiful thing but if somebody gets to that same beauty and

then something selfish hurtful takes place and the other party feels so open and vulnerable it becomes completely traumatic so it's very similar up to the one point the one we stay safe the other unsafe safety is the common theme to any form of healing that's the theme if without without a sense of safety no healing can actually take place so when you're doing healing work you're going to feel vulnerable potentially scared again and there's you know there are people that say oh god no that's

terrible it should be just years and years of gradual therapy with only one word added each week you know forever they go and that's fine that's that's the level they're at as a healer and therapist that's safe for them and they have the right to take their time if I were you I would think twice about whether you want to take that much time you know do you want to be 90 before you even complete a sentence about former trauma so no I wouldn't anyway so it can be very challenging the second level again is is

bodywork the third level is what some people describe as like the sexual surrogate where we a woman might say to the male client instead of just so tell me what what issues you have well I have some shyness and hang-ups about my genitalia oh well tell me about that okay well where do you think that came from says that's fine to talk a surrogate might say okay well we've had three sessions on that let's do this let's disrobe and some of you were going to think what that's crazy no it's it

can be very beautiful if it's a real thing if it's a safe thing you know let's let's disrobe and then you ask the man now describe yourself to me a lot of women are shown this technique sit before a mirror and describe yourself you can tape it the conversation verbally you can do an audio tape of it or make notes or whatever it is but talk to yourself and you know you think no big deal I can undress it's it's very interesting because then be patient here when you walk through somebody through a

somatic experience not just an intellectual one for example I've had clients where I say you know they say mom or dad never held me I say okay stand across the room now do me a favor put your arms out like you're a child wanting to be held and then imagine that I'm your father or mother and then do me a favor and start slowly walking towards me with your arms out it sounds like a simple experience but you're not doing it like you're Frankenstein your arms are you know you know and you're walking

forward your your arms are out and you're channeling the memory of being a child in a sense that's what starts to happen channeling using that term is is almost like M that you are such-and-such and then their feedback their their their consciousness comes through you so it's the same so I stick with charms and the person starts walking towards me and anytime I've done that exercise they almost could never make it from one side of the room to me without breaking down because you're walking through and I did

one time a shamanic journey workshop I've done that several times but one time that I did it it was such an interesting thing because just I mean Here I am leading the the workshop and still i partly participated as well and I gave them some of the you know stuff of my unconscious you know to work with and and we all because what we did was we all sort of reenacted and so we it's almost like so it just to keep it simple we re-enacted and so it's like I close my eyes I gave them some information and

then the group might my team whoever I'm working with my few people and so on there's different groups and my team quickly figures out how to reenact what I told them I opened my eyes and I mean oh you know I could assume went well I already you know I've told them the information I expect you know I now I know what I'm gonna see didn't matter man Wow as soon as they did it I mean everything in me just brought to that moment brought to that memory and Wow some tears in the eyes and wow it's when

done right it's kind of like what some people do with theater roleplay is another example they're all helpful in their different ways because they're bringing us to something that we otherwise were regarding and shielding from hypnotherapy you know can be helpful to kind of fly in under the radar EMDR is another technique or EFT you know there's there's different things that can help us sort of fly in under the radar the the key is finding out which one most serves us to bring us the most healing

that's the key so in the third category of sexual healing it involves the surrogate now there's two levels of this third category the first level is I'm still working on you we might be sharing intimacy I say we meaning anybody who go to that's doing this kind of work some people will say they'll call themselves tantric healers that doesn't mean they're good just like any counselor just the label license doesn't mean they're good doesn't mean they understand you it doesn't mean they care

they might have just done that like any other license they got it was a occupation it was something to do and they may not be heartfelt to anybody in any occupation may not be meant to be there and they may not be heartfelt in that position so I'm just saying that there's a lot of you know unhealthy stuff that goes on in lots of professions including the health and healing field and yeah same for unfortunately for so-called tantric healers they call themselves dakinis it's a Sanskrit word dhakini or tantric

Dokka there are different terms from from Sanskrit and from the old schools that they use and they use them so easily and flippantly oh you know I took a one day workshop so now I'm a Dakini not at all man it's that without the level of love and care and integrity they should not be allowed to do this but there's not a national licensing thank God but there's not national licensing that could in you know ensure that they're going to have the Integrity's but of course national licensing doesn't mean there's love so

it's a really tricky thing but if you're in the third category there's two levels the first I'm still working on you we might be doing very intimate work but I'm still working on you there's still a distinction yes it could be intimate sexual but there's still someone working on someone and that distinction helps everybody it really does but intimacy is such a twisted topic and sexuality that every bit of stuff comes into the book you could be somebody it's not even abused but you could just feel lonely

and you don't know how to just receive this healing without getting all emotionally enmeshed and start falling in love because as the fable goes you know and this goddess has been in a trance and she's going to drink this potion or the first kiss will wake her up you know and so on and she falls in love with the person that woke her up that gave her that potion or whatever it's like some fairy tale and it's kind of like that when you've been frozen when you've been wounded it's easy to

fall in love I mean there's people that do transference on counselors doctors coaches life coaches you know even their coach coaches I mean there's there's people that are in athletics fall in love with their coaches even same-gender it still happens because you're in such a often nobody ever loved me and you seem to care about me so I'm falling in love with you I could even not be gay and still fall in love with my male coach because of the deep levels of neediness it can be very confusing

male-female gay straight whatever it doesn't matter all of it can be very confusing there's no complete immunity to this because we're dealing with the human psyche and it works and lives and moves on so many levels it when we're on this planet I mean it's it works in dimensions you can't even see so it's hard to just assure or ensure a specific response from somebody a friend of mine who was a very successful Dakini sexual you know surrogate or or whatever I remember her saying in her training she

said I I had a tantric teacher he was kind of short bald heavyset I thought well and she and she was a beautiful girl and she's like I fell in love with him it's like there was no she was saying I'm not making fun of short bald fat saying this is what he looked like and it wasn't her ideal of a I'm gonna fall in love with a guy and she did anyway because first of all bodies and looks are illusions anyway so need not judge those things and we need not get caught up on them but it also does mean that

that if you are looking a certain way male or female you would think it's probably safer for you to work on people and to some degree it is but it doesn't ensure that you're not going to have that transference because my point is healing is such a profound experience all other things fall away all you what you thought was inhibitions or your you you know you're you'll already feel like you know what kind of person you're digging or you're gay or you're straight so the other won't cross over I've done

work on gay women and they still have had feelings at times I think it's beautiful I'm not shaming for having feelings I'm just saying when people have profound healing in a sense all everything's off you know all deals are off all bets are off because it's such a profound multi-level thing now if ever there is the second level which is where but very rare should this be where the healer dhakini or Tom Trika or whatever you know where that person who's walking you through this excerpt is walking you

through it is possible to say now I've done what I can do for you and the two people consensually let's drop the labels now and make love I think it's a beautiful thing I think it's next to impossible to pull it off so don't think that I'm like promoting it is next to impossible because there are so many first of all there's so many layers of healing that would have to happen first secondly levels of responsibility that most human beings don't have responsibility meaning that there's no transference we're able

to let go and let go of labels and experience love and I mean love in its unconditional beautiful sense you're sort of you're sort of dissolving from the physical self and just dancing you know like energy fields just dancing in delight and in the light it's a very very beautiful thing and it's something that every human being will eventually experience on some level it may not be in the physical sexual level but they're going to experience what it's like everybody you can't ascend into heaven

consciousness without ascending heavenly in the earth consciousness you have to experience heaven on earth before you experience heaven and that includes lovemaking and I don't mean sexual but it can be sexual I'm referring to even love making the total love with another person no agendas no issues you're not trying to push them one way pull them another way you're not trying to control them you're not trying to get anything from them you're not asking them to fulfill love your parents didn't give

you it's not wrong that you have those feelings but that's different level of healing sexual healing that's level one or sometimes level two but you don't go into that second part of the third level lovemaking letting to completely letting go and you know without doing layers and layers and layers of work you know so the healers which could be you it doesn't mean you have some certification I'm just saying that when you decide to be a safe person for another and they go to that place you know it's really in

the heart that makes you that healer or not it's really in the heart so here's a couple of quick examples and I know that some of the things I share you know I don't like myself I don't do the work much anymore at all for many years now I haven't and and even in the last ten years there's only a couple people I've chosen to work with on on any level beyond let's say the second level and even the second level remember that's bodywork you'd still be clothed but on the second level there's two parts

clothed second level bodywork and and so you know I've chosen to almost do nothing beyond the fundamental levels of the second level anymore for all these years with just a couple of exceptions and and it's because of how you know challenging it is for people to go to that place there's a few reasons I chose in one of its just because I've done it for so long I just love teaching people how to do it rather than me doing it and even when I taught intensive five-day intensive on sacred sexuality and so

forth I most of the time almost all the time it was all about me teaching others how to do these things and then I would step away and have them work on each other at whatever level first level second of whatever level and let them do that it was not about me being the the therapist or the participant I really enjoyed and preferred teaching it and saying you guys can do this yourselves when someone comes to me and says Michael this was profound and you know all these years I've done this Michael this was profound

I have friends or I myself want further work or I have friends that need this what do we do how do we find you where do we go to get this from you I would say to them why don't you bring your friends I'll teach you how to do this on each other do you have a partner let me teach them how to do this for you I would rather empower others than them rely on me especially with such a sensitive you know vulnerable topic but it is such a you know risky risky sensual sexual traumatic healing trauma you know such a multi-leveled

conversation that it really takes very courageous people to do this work so anytime you even talk to a person do not underestimate the power of what you're doing and I don't mean to become arrogant I mean don't underestimate that they're sharing with you it might take way more than you think it does for them to tell you what they're telling you and you really should be honored just wow like you know and I how many times I've had people say I've never told anybody that's pretty amazing but

doesn't surprise me I don't go well I'm special I just Wow you know god I'm grateful but it doesn't surprise me because I know what I'm doing I I believe in go in with integrity go into any session any conversation do your best to have integrity and and what to help you if you start your day every day saying how can I be helpful today then what's the breath of with which you know you're willing to do that are you do you mean I want to be helpful only conversationally only financially

only supportively I mean do you have to have limits and I think it's great if you have limits those are your boundaries you can honor them I also think it's great to say I can maturely handle more than I did last year so if somebody starts telling me you know other material deeper material I'm gonna do my best to be present I never had a hard time going to that place I never thought to myself god this is way too much information I want to you know scale it back but that doesn't mean you should jump that far it just worked for

me I remember I've shared this story once before I remember a conference though I was at before the conference started I was on tour in this region and I was doing it was honestly it was 10 and 12 sessions per day every day with almost no breaks at all but maybe 2 60-second breaks but just work work work and session after session and I remember so many people having these profound changes and healings and miracles that one of them was telling one of the other spiritual teachers that arrived to do their you know to the conference to

participate and they a few of them went out to lunch and loved dinner or something and they were telling this spiritual author teacher who who you would know if I told you the name God and you know Michael and he did this and it's amazing this other person God I had some session to and God it was amazing because it was all about sexual trauma and this you know you know unfortunately several of these people and and they started talking about what they healed of what came up and the teacher author said the

interrupt you guys I'm not interested in this conversation I'm not Michael I can't handle these kinds of things and I'm not interested but I also don't know what to say and I really can't handle hearing this kind of thing you know so it was like they were like oh so they needed to step back a little and honor those boundaries and I'm glad that the teacher honored their boundaries but it also means you could be an author and teacher and whatever and wise and still not be able to navigate this topic

because it can be so scary and so challenging so foreign in some ways not to mention that sometimes you're rubbing up against those persons one of those people you know they're the wounds the wounds of those people could be known to them could be unknown but when they no no no no they could be showing you right there that there's something going on do I think you should say oh hold on everybody let's not even order dinner it seems to me tit someone's got some unconscious stuff that they don't want to talk about

you'd never do that to somebody when you're healing don't be preachy don't tell people they have wounds let them come to you let them decide if they want to share with you and then go to that place in the most loving gentle way you can so when I said traumatic lacking Love's presence so I want to make sure we include this if you've been drunk and had sex if you've not wanted to be with a person even without rape you just preferred not being with them if you were angry when you were with him you

were not fully in a loving experience it's still traumatic many clients have told me they've never had sex without being drunk ever in their life that's Wow you know others have said I've never been in my body now what you don't do is say well what we're gonna do obviously linearly you haven't been in your body when you made though so we're gonna make love and make sure you stay in your body that logically that sounds reasonable but there's so many things you should be doing there's level one healing you

could do to help teach them to be in their body you don't don't ever let somebody tell you you have to go to level 3 actual interaction sexual interaction go through level I might do it level 2 if you're great here you should be able to do it with level 1 or 2 I taught more people more often how to have sexual healing and sensual experiences without disrobing than I ever did by them going further I'm not saying you can't go further I'm saying I never allowed the goal to be more important than the process itself

so there's so much that can be learned and I'm just reaching out to all of you saying look understand the situation and and understand there's levels of healing but also do not underestimate what you've experienced as as though it's not traumatic if you were not in your body something wasn't quite right and every time you did it you were buzzed you're drunk you're wasted you're out of your body or you were just angry and not wishing or wishing you weren't there all of those things are still traumatic even

though they might not have been incestual they might not have been rape they're still trauma so you know I've chosen in my life I'd do things like sometimes wrestle with a person or do bodywork on a person do things to get them viscerally somatically in that experience so they can break free of it and say I'm here now oh my god I'm back you know and it can have any kind of release when people have those breakthroughs cathartic breakthroughs it can be tears it could be orgasms believe it or not

it's whatever they're going to do it doesn't matter we don't label it we don't we don't judge it they had whatever kind of a release they needed to have orgasms are varied in so many different ways but believe it or not don't underestimate the fact that a person crying is a form of emotional orgasm so I've taught people you know that that when you when you have a partner and you're making love you're thinking there's certain things you want to do or have done but when you're with

a person and they start crying what you do is you continue making love but not I'm not talking about having sex you're having sex and making love they start crying you shift you continue to make love but not intercourse you continue to make love by continuing to hold them you shift it into not the intercourse lovemaking but the how can I hold you are you okay silence possibly rocking now there at some point potentially gonna say oh I'm so sorry oh what am i oh my god no no no this is beautiful it's okay I'm right here with

you you're still making love you see but it's not the human definition of making love it's sharing love love the womb of love and that's what's supposed to be happening when we make love anyway I'm not saying all lovemaking supposed to be just slow and whispery could be very sexy and passionate but you should never lose sense of safety connectedness and all of us have had that happen in our lives one way or the other we lost connection we lost safety you know as a young man you know the the the peer

pressure you know older brother kind of hey man you know you haven't hooked up yet you know making fun it makes you kind of think something's wrong with you but girls peer pressure and the female way in Tantra it's taught the female way has always had it right - no - take your time and - to think that it needs to be more love based and yet gals have learned to become shamed for what they knew was right so they learned to start being more like males and jumping into this kind of experience and it's really

messed up because they didn't get the experience they knew was a little more healthy and right you know and a person can make love slowly and still be out of the you know out off center they can you can be drunk and still have lovemaking technique look right doesn't mean it's right mind-body-soul are you there and very few people had a first-time experience of that that was perfect very few people had ongoing experiences like that it it's fine you know to each his own you know and and all that but where

are you did you did did you find a way to have that so I close with this even if you say I don't have a partner to do that I don't know what person I could hire to do that as it's no-no-no start right here learn to make love with yourself learn to be present give to the holy spirit all wounds including sexual include that in your prayers and surrendering and then also learn to touch your body learn learn to make contact and even sensually you know the concept of masturbation for example I'm not saying hyper masturbate the word

masturbate means to disturb or to draw you off-center because Shane was put to so many terms sexual terminologies that it's ridiculous but I call it pleasure yourself but if I just say pleasure yourself you might be thinking oh well I love going to the carnival or something you know thinking these fun things a movie pleasure yourself is a sensual way of saying masturbate so when you pleasure yourself don't just sexually stimulate it just sometimes just pause and breathe and touch gently all of your skin because it wires you together

instead of one location having one channel to the brain that says stimulating get ready brain says got it okay done ooh and the brain says we're having an orgasm it's very linear try to connect the hole and engage the whole body try to engage the whole self and one way to do that is even even with slight touch you might not be tremendously feeling pleasure that's not the point you are the dreamer of the dream you decide the experience so even if you have very little sensation due to whatever in your life you touch try to

imagine having a sensation don't go overboard with with words and sounds but any amount any amount what if I'm not feeling tremendous but it doesn't matter I can I can tell you what it feels like what it sounds like to even be safe it's like a relief Oh to not have horrid partner that was abusing me do it being with me right now to be safe to be in my own room my own space and oh it feels exciting giggle just remember the sensual experience and allow yourself to feel and yes the bells and whistles go

off the you know that's fine if that happens if all you do is cry it's fine to just allow allow allow allow the safety the expansiveness of allowing is beautiful it's perfect it's orgasmic in the truest sense so the body will catch up at some point but if you die and stay inhibited hurt you carry it with you but if you can say even without a physical orgasm if you could say but I'm open I feel orgasmic in the sense that nobody's holding me back I don't have the wounds of the shaming

of my religion or my mother or the abuse of a father or a husband or a partner I don't carry that I allow myself to feel someone abused me and told me be quiet I'm not why I mean me I get to sound I get to come out it's beautiful that's orgasmic in the truest sense it means to release to let go it doesn't just mean reach a pinnacle of some kind in a linear sense it means holistically so allow yourself and encourage others in a gentle loving tactful way you know I don't believe in smut mouthing people I

don't believe in you know talking in a vulgar kind of a hurtful way that you know and especially when it comes to that topic it's important to really honor and bring love to it it you know as best you can and and I pray that this is really making sense and can make a difference in your life I invite you we're having a course on intimacy relationships it's about exploring true intimacy sexuality and relationships we're going to do all three of those topics in this few weeks starting we just finished our free intro

but but it starts this coming week so it's a Wednesday night couple hours each Wednesday for just a few weeks and it'll be done join us if you feel like you'd like to know more about this I know how intimidating and hitting the topic can be healing healing trauma sexual trauma and sexual pleasure we will talk about pleasure too and that could be a little you know challenging for some people but hang in there because there's no thing in your eye that should be left stuck it's it's all

about coming forward into who we really are all right so god bless you all peace be with you and thanks so much for listening join us for this course if you'd like to and also remember we have a four day intensive starting on Thanksgiving you can watch it online so even if you can't join us here in person and Sedona it's afford a course on awakening Christ consciousness and you can join us for that online or in-person and it's wonderful because it's a good way to join with your spiritual family during

the holidays of giving thanks and giving thanks then launches us into new levels of awareness for the new year so god bless you all thank you bye bye [Music]