Tirade: Relationships

There's something that seems to consistently come up in terms of questions and feedback and issues that people struggle with. For whatever reason, we won't go into all that right now, but you know in the spiritual community I notice a lot of people asking questions about relationships. And we do talks about that.

We do workshops about that, and I've written books about that. But still you know it's an issue on people's minds. Someone asked me recently, can you give me some advice? You know, it's late in the evening but they want a phone call because they were in such a desperate situation related to relationships.

Now, as soon as you get on the spiritual path, you're going to be in a unique situation, because the chances are if you're on the spiritual path, you're trying to improve your life. You're trying to make some changes, and then you get into this topic of relationship, and it's going to be like any other.

It's going to be a new area. Another area of your life that you're trying to see differently or or to upgrade. Are we allowed to date? Are we allowed to do this or are we allowed to do that? It's all fine. The idea is that our outside life is supposed to reflect our inside life. So don't go "looking for," become a better person yourself.

You know this is an inside job. And I understand the struggles. This person is saying to me, "Well you know I'm really really confused and quite heartbroken because I met somebody online and they seemed so...so...whatever. They sent poems. The things they sent are so..." So what does that have to do with anything? You've never met them! &

quot;But they seem so...like..." Does anybody understand how messy, how weird that is? And I understand half of you probably have done this, but just relax. I mean if you're going to get involved with anybody that you've never met, let it be God. Right? I mean if you want to push it that much and run the risk of who knows what could happen.

Try God out as an invisible relationship! He'll send you poems too. Just channeled through other people. But please be aware of this, because a lot of clients have come to me this year with relationship issues and getting involved with people that turn out to be scams. They turn out to be people that end up asking these ladies for money and that sort of thing.

Just stop. Stop feeding that illness. That's becoming a new way of dating. I'm not saying you can't meet people on line and connect and grow a relationship. It's just that you increase the odds when you put yourself out there and not grow a relationship authentically and organically. You're increasing the odds of difficulties and trouble.

And my heart really goes out to people. And I know this person saying, "Well how did this happen to me, Michael? When you look at me, you know me a bit. So I seem needy?" Yeah, pretty much. Let's move on. I don't need to elaborate on that. No seriously, there are things that have to be done.

I don't care if you date in person. I don't care if you date three people at the same time or if you're married, in an ongoing wonderful partnership. There are things we have to do in our relationships. Even if I'm in one and I want to see it rise to a new level, we have to heal the past, and we have to build a new relationship.

It doesn't just come gratuitously. Relationships, like anything, but it's no different than gardening. It has to be grown. Plant new seeds. Get rid of the old stuff every year. Get rid of the old wounds and hurts that are sabotaging our relationships. And if you're in between relationships, thank the gods of Atlantis that your you're in between instead of, "Oh I'm hurting.

" No no, now is the time to fast. Just like you would in health crisis. It's healthy to sometimes fast. Please consider fasting from relationship. Do not see yourself as a in a negative situation. You're gifted. It's time. Now you can clear out the old so you don't keep repeating the same pattern.

So consider these ideas. You know, fast from relationships. And for years, I mean God, all the way back to the 80s, I was telling folks, "Go buy one of those $1 rings in your new age stores, put it on, and marry yourself. Commit to yourself. Have a wonderfully monogamous relationship with yourself. Be in love with yourself.

Find out what kind of creepy things you've got going inside that attract the strange relationships you have, or have had. Fast. It's wonderful. Cleanse all that junk out. Get into counseling. Work with individual counselors and sponsors and so on, to help us find out what's gone on that's been sabotaging our lives.

If you're going to get in a relationship, however, there's a few commonsensical things that I really, really encourage everyone to look for. Number 1: The relationship should should add to your life not subtract."What does this person bring to my life? In what way does this enhance my life? Do I feel more playfulness, more light more love.

Just because you have ego stroking, that's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about sincere growth. And if none of this applies to you today, bless you. However, listen to it anyway, because you will cross the path of many people who need to hear this. So just ask them to slow down. Don't give them fear, like, "Oh my God, don't ever date on the internet," because that's not accurate.

Sometimes that's worked for people. But let them know. Pace yourself. Get to know people. Don't call yourself "in love" when you've never met someone. That's not really sane. That's not healthiness. Grow relationships. Being on the path does make us different. It really does. Anybody different.

It means we're developing a greater integrity. So one of the things that's going to happen is you're going to naturally be fasting a little more. And in my opinion, that stirs a lot of loneliness, because it's lonely at the top. And at the top, in this case, of the pyramid of life, it's going to seem lonely.

You don't have the masses when you have words like integrity. You don't have the masses when you have self-worth. The masses don't deal with those concepts. So we have to rise to the top and realize it's ok that you don't find as many potential suitors, or dates, or whatever it happens to be.

However, you only need one. If you choose to even have that. So how do I know if I'm even going to work with that one? Just a few suggestions. First of all I would like to recommend that you piece together relationships. Piece together means: I look at relationships from the past and what have I learned and what have I integrated? How have I raised my sense of self-worth and so on.

What have I learned, either negatives or positives? What have I learned from my relations? Don't keep trying a new relationship and learn the same old lessons. Bring the lessons with you so that you're ready to assemble a whole person as a partner. "I know self-worth so I'm going to ask for self-worth in this partnership.

I know the value of of respect. So I insist on respect in this relationship. Whatever it happens to be - so for me, it's going vertical. Instead of horizontal, just dating another horizontal issue or person or whatever it happens to be, horizontally meaning no progress. Just another chance of dating. Another opportunity to meet "the one and only.

" You're the only one and only there is. You're the one that was there before you incarnated. You'll be there after. You're the one and only. Just to not be so needy, to not be so desperate. I get it, because we're on the spiritual path. It can sometimes feel lonely and so on. And I'm not saying Bbut it's OK because you can.

You can be in love with God." "You know, and God will hold you at night, and God will comfort you when you're you know hours of of sadness and loneliness." Because I know what that's like. I understand. I know that it doesn't feel as comforting to hold a pillow and call it God, you know instead of having an actual person. I get that.

I'm not suggesting that the feeling of God will feel complete to people all the time. I'm saying even if you're going to create a healthy relationship, try fasting from them first. Try learning about yourself as much as possible, and know that when you finally decide for relationship assemble it by knowing all the pieces and things you've learned from the past.

Bring that into relationship, instead of learning again the same lessons. Assemble it. Ask that people live up to those standards, and if they're not, you never settle. Never, ever, ever settle. Never bargain. So if you're going to assemble a relationship, remember that relationships should be spiritual. Don't say, "well they weren't spiritual but they said they were interested and they might decide to become spiritual one day." Never settle.

Spiritual or not. Don't settle. They should be passionate. Relationships should forever be passionate. And I'm not saying there's something wrong if you have a relationship that's lost some of that. But they can and should be passionate. Playful. Passionate even see each other. You know I'm not just talking about sexual passion.

I'm talking about just the passion to see each other and be in the same space. It can actually be that fun. I've known you people for five years and I still like seeing you. That's a good sign. You know, if I walk into a board meeting or a chaplain meeting or a service and go, "Oh you guys again," that wouldn't be good.

I don't know. So the relationships should be loving. They should be respectful. Respectful is very important. And that's not something we do like out of duty or obligation. I just enjoy. I enjoy looking for these respectable things. What do you need? That's respect. How can I help? That's respect.

I also believe we need to be sharing. Share values. Share interests. You know, sharing the relationship. And for God's sake, communication's got to be there. You know there's people that I know that, "Well we don't, we don't really talk." In my opinion - I'm just throwing out a half dozen things or so that to me would be essentials in relationship.

Love, respect, communication, passion. All of these things should be there. If they're not, how can I assemble it from the past? What can I heal from the past or learn from the past to bring that peace into this relationship? And if it's not there, I can say to myself, "Can we grow that in this relationship?" But never settle and pretend you can when you know you can't.

If you're coming out of addiction, and you're in recovery, and you have a partner that's also in recovery, but they fall off the wagon and they go back into addiction. This isn't something we can bargain. "I'm in recovery for my own healthiness and sanity. I really can only afford a partner who is in recovery with me.

" "I'm not going to judge you for not being in recovery but I can't live with you if you're not." That's a choice I personally would make. I just can't imagine settling. And yet I don't find myself in my life lacking friendship or anything I choose to have in my life. So I don't feel like the spiritual path has become a "We're always in poverty or we're always lonely.

" Believe it or not, I said it's lonely at the top. But what I'm leading to is, and that's actually just a perception. "It's lonely at the top" is an old paradigm created by our ego that says "If you decide to become a better person and grow, you're not going to get all the perks that you would like in your life.

" And it made us decide, "You can only you know be spiritual if you're nuns and priests." And they're often not happy people. So that's a lie. It's not lonely at the top. There's not as many people on the physical level, mundane level engaging in the things you're interested in.

If those are the kind you want, then drop to the base floor again and be with the masses, because there's lots of them people that will tolerate you, and you them. There's a lot of messed-up people that would share dysfunction. That's easy. But if you're saying "I want the top" and you bargain against it, you're living hypocrisy and contradiction, and that's why we're miserable when we do that.

It's not because at the top there there's a problem with being at the top and having greater integrity and love. It's our belief systems and our self-sabotage that make it seem like it's lonely at the top, or that there's things that don't serve our greater good. Because it's not true.

Spirit, the Universe, will always support us and reward us for making healthier choices in our lives. I hope that's made sense. Thank you.