Dealing with Betrayal

hello there and welcome to Friday night spiritual insights with Michael verdad today we're going to talk about the topic of a betrayal it's you know it's very important to understand betrayal because everybody has felt betrayed now if you say yeah I felt that but I've held that it's still worth watching whether it's because you might still have some pieces to look at or or it could be just pieces I can offer you to help others you never know so this the concept of betrayal and you know the

first thing to consider is that there's you know when people think about betrayal they think only about the times other people have betrayed them but remember we've also betrayed others so it's worth looking at that and then of course we also have betrayed ourselves and that's probably the most common one certainly the one most overlooked when we're looking at this concept of betrayal but when it comes to us doing the betraying you know then you know sometimes we betray others and it's it's

you know we're being hurtful and sometimes overtly like we're getting them back other times we didn't mean to but there's a problem guys because even if I didn't mean to let you down slash you know betray you I'm still going to probably feel either consciously or subconsciously a little guilty around it therefore whether I did it or not on purpose I still have an effect backlash that comes on me that I probably want to look at and and this is all kind of covered to a degree in healthy 12-step work

where you're sort of looking at what did it what did I do here what was my contribution here and we you know we all slept at different times but our job is to become first of all more forgiving of ourselves when we've done the betraying on others or ourselves but we also become more forgiving for others who have betrayed us because there's sort of like two causes for betrayal one is someone just overtly betrays but we often forget something else still another often forgotten thing is that we're often giving them a target

by having these agendas I I want you to be I so badly need you to be something that you might not be able to be so you betrayed me you let me down but really unconsciously I might have had an agenda nobody could have met somebody talked about this the other day to me they said about how how teachers student relationships it could be mentor life coach doctors you have any role including God where someone's play you know playing and role they're different higher up or whatever and and it's interesting because the teacher might be

betrayed by the student but it's equally true the student can feel betrayed by the teacher and so it's it's quite astounding because and again this is all roles parents you know my parents let me down well maybe they overtly did something hurtful and the another word that's important to bring in there is it selfish it's always selfish to be hurtful so they're being hurtful and selfish and I actually always call it weak as well but they're weak and hurtful selfish and they might do that

overtly but they also could make me feel betrayed without even trying because I could have agendas on them I want you to be that you know like you could be my teacher my parent I could be a sibling set and you're my team my parent or I can be a student set of students and you're my teacher I want to be special can make it seem like I was betrayed by you because students will project onto their parents their teachers and so on this this thing that you're eventually gonna let me down and I'm going to call

you a betrayer when in fact what was betrayed was my agendas so it's important that we take time anytime we're thinking feeling sensing betrayal stop and take it through the little bit of a gentle gauntlet and say okay wait there's a betrayal going on am I the one feeling the betrayal or might I am I being accused of betraying might I have caused a betrayal wherever I might have been self-serving and selfish I see it let me apologize and make amends if possible where others have been hurtful and selfish let me see that my job is

going to be to see lessons that I can learn from that betrayal so that I can then retire them and let them go from that it's kind of like saying okay I get it you know you broke my heart but I kinda this is an example but I can kind of see how I was really clinging because you were my first or you were my only or whatever it is you know you were somebody that was gonna make my life different from the other people so now I feel betrayed but really I might have I might have been putting a lawn off a lot on that person and I'm not saying take

the blame for other people's behaviors I'm not saying that at all if they've caused heart blue that's their thing let that be for them what did you learn refused to hate them and see what you can learn from that then you are freer to move forward in your life wishing everybody well equally impossible but then you move forward in your life you're always okay I get it that's the one phase of the whole thing there and then we it brings us to another when you're when you're sensing

feeling betrayal check in and see what's happening it did I did i betray did someone else betray but don't forget to hit did i betray myself in this situation oh god yeah I can see I can see where I I was foregoing my higher good I knew this months ago that this was over and I didn't listen and I was afraid I kind of didn't want to be without a partner I wanted to get my money straight first so that means essentially no offense guys I was using the person knowing we're we're done but I'm staying long

enough to get a little more money together without the other person knowing that that's what I'm doing and approving that technically is like a betrayal and and so I was lying to myself and betraying myself I knew this was done or I knew this person unhealthy but I allowed it to happen that's basically a raping yourself an abusing yourself and I'm not only using those harsher terms to make us go wow you know smack wake up come on you know wake it up little you know risk slap in the face cold water in the morning and

go you know and then why but I was afraid I wouldn't be able to make it financially if I and and look at those things look at those things and write them down so that you can do a self forgiveness and also send that out you don't have to verbalize it to a person but sometimes yes sometimes no but send that out as a prayer to the person listen to your soul from mine and with my angels supporting my message to you to you and your angels supporting your receiving this message I want to say that I I feel like I added to this and

I'm really sorry and clearly we you know might have wanted to just see this sooner and act differently so I apologize and and know that I'm sending you love to heal and on some level that person might get it please know sometimes they get it miraculous things happen and all sudden everybody's a at peace other times when you do healing work like that sometimes they don't respond well sometimes it makes them go I knew it you were the bad guy on a soul level that's generally not the way it's

gonna happen but if people want to be evil they're gonna be evil they're gonna try to you know just it'll it'll irritate them even more the next time you see them they're kind of looking at you even with more anger just know that's not gonna be the real stuff here the real stuffs here in your heart you released you said goodbye you said apologies you're good you're good to go you've done what you can do whether they love you for it or hate you for it is up to them and the same goes for you and

you know other people apologize and make amends it's up to you whether you want to feel peace today or some sort of you know revenge or whatever so you know it's always hurtful and selfish when when when people betray you know and I would say probably 90% of the time we have these agendas Thicket in the way I said I did a talk you might want to watch called priorities and preferences our priority is always in God in the truth of God and love and wholeness but we have these other things called preferences and

there's nothing wrong with those because of preference can also be rooted in boundaries I know what I'm looking for and I have clear boundaries and preferences about it but if you try to make human preferences like I want you to love me forever there's nothing wrong with that being a preference of mine but a preference needs to be flexible and you don't do it okay when I get really hurt it's when I've made my preference for you to love me forever into a I shifted it up into a priority there's

only one priority you don't get to select which preferences are priorities I'm talking about spiritual priorities not life priorities like picking up the kids at school I'm saying there's only one true capital P priority and that's God my relationship to God and my awakening God God God that's it my preferences are everything else I have unhealthy preferences that are like another notch down but healthy preferences up here could be you know I want to share love with you and I would like that to last but it's just a

preference I can say to myself if I make it a priority you are up Creek because a human thing can never live up to a divine thing it can't hold the role it can't hold the space and on that note when I have priorities that you be a certain way they're they're gonna start becoming agendas and shift down from healthy priority level to unhealthy priorities because their agendas and their ego based and underneath are everything I'm talking about agendas deep inside we actually believe like we've also betrayed God and that God has

betrayed us it's not just people we actually believe others betray us and we appreciate others we believe we betray ourselves and we also believe that we betrayed God and God has betrayed us so betrayal exists in our minds mind you it believe it exists in all three the relationships I felt betrayals with others with myself and with God it just stands to reason you would want to heal all sense of betrayal I mean why wouldn't you of course I want to be clear I want everything clean I want apologies and amends to everybody

now when you make that to others their reactions might go this way or that way when you make them with yourself your reaction could go this way or that way when you make it with God everything's done it's erased God says as though it never happened and you and I need to get used to practicing that in our relation of forgiveness and so on with betrayal with ourselves and others we need to stop you know blaming others for the betrayals not getting cleaned at least we need to start acting more like the

divine that we are and practice the forgiveness of betrayals you know and there's subtle ones you know some of you might sit and go I don't have any major betrayals and relationships that you maybe not but sometimes they're subtle sometimes your partner looks at another person and you feel betrayed they didn't act on it but you might feel betrayed you could have had a coach you know like a athletic coach and you know I think you know using an example for myself and this is a really good one because I

played a little soccer in high school and there was a point where I mean just long story short where I I mean I was we were varsity we were like ooh you know varsity players all the years we were in high school several of us were a handful of us let's say so that was kind of cool your varsity like we made varsity I personally didn't really care I really didn't for the most part and the junior varsity those were what we call the stoners those the junior varsity were like they were extra level of we don't really care about winning or

just here having fun the varsity you have to win that's supposed to be like a prestige but I was like without being a stoner myself I had the stoner mentality of wait let's just have fun man we shouldn't be so serious but well so that I didn't fit in that much with the varsity but I was varsity anyway and there was a point where you know we were going through this is probably not happening till senior junior senior year in high school and something happened where I think I got injured or something and let's

pretend I was out for two weeks I don't remember the D saw something like that so I was out one week for sure and they had to get somebody to step in now the second week coming back and ready to play and the coach actually let somebody else play anyway that was betrayal I'm your varsity person what is wrong what's going on how could you do this to me it was humiliating and it was it was betrayal because I'm supposed to be this and you told me I'm your varsity player right so I could feel betrayed but in

all honesty guys remember I I really did not like being on varsity so I was not only inappropriately judging the coach at the time I was forgetting that I'm the one who was betraying myself I leaked out constantly and you know dislike of being on varsity so what what's wrong with him for hearing my message I don't want to be here and then answering to it when I was in Little League playing you know a sport you know this could this coach called me I've heard about you and I want you on my team

my team's gonna be the champions and we were we're gonna be the champions and I want you on my team I'm calling you personally because I want you on this team can I get you and he called other coaches made deals as his kids man and they made deals he made deal he knew how to do it and he got me on his team even though he lived like a little further off then my other coach would have been made he cut a deal and there was a point where again Michael you're not going to be starting you know this

week you know it's like what what he did was I was late to practice too often he was trying to send a message to me a boundary and that was right righteous for him to do and rightfully did he said yeah you know you know yeah you're not really showing up on time anyway you know it doesn't seem like you want to be here so I'm gonna have to enter Mike Wow I was never late again now in my defense so to speak I had to travel on my bicycle a good distance to get there but that's still I could have left earlier

right so that's where we think people have betrayed us I'm using just kind of blunt example certainly those aren't as as big as someone breaking your heart I understand that but I'm trying to use simplistic examples so that they can transfer into any conversation you're trying to apply the trail so keep that in mind betrayal there's there's just all kinds there's friend people that say they're friends when they're not you can confide something at someone they leak it out

oh man that's kind of horrible but then let's stop and go back again that that seemed horrible but what else is going on there what if I gave a confidential comment to you one of you you know and and then you betrayed it and you told somebody well maybe maybe I betrayed myself by sharing something with someone and I didn't take accountability and say well there's always a chance maybe you never betrayed me but in your deathbed oh you know your last breath and tell Michael I love him and I'm sorry that

that happened to him and it's like betraying my confidence who knows something could happen somebody could inject you with truth syrup and they spill the beans because they were involved with some clandestine military operation and they spoke about your private thing whatever brought it about you need to ask yourself if I'm going to tell a confidential thing to you I might need to also own there's a possibility it'll come out as soon as I spoke it to someone else there's a chance so maybe I

need to not just be mad at you but mad at myself and then not just forgiving you but forgiving myself it's gonna happen your thoughts your desires Jesus tried to explain that it's not just your actions that betray you it's your so when you're having thoughts you know these things are going to come out and and somewhere somehow now do I think it's you should do the opposite and like shelter away and hide and don't tell anybody anything well I was brought up like that I mean you know and a lot of

us were anybody with addictive households there's an 80% or more chance that you had to live with secrets some addictive households don't even care about keeping it a secret they're just full blown out they're messed up but no you know a lot of Secrets kids that are raising parents kids that are covering for their parents being you know this way or that way you know so it was just very you know maybe challenging but but secrets so I was brought up that way a strong part of my family was in terms of

heritage and lifestyle of where they lived where they grew up or whatever all those excuses that they were they were brought up with that concept secrets and you know I understand it but you and I don't have to still continue it so it started with secrets but in my as I grew spiritually a day at a time it's just like 12 steps when we're growing spiritually you're automatically signed up in a 12-step from Life program so without realizing it so you're gonna find a making God a priority just like a 12-step program you

might not know you're doing 12 steps but you're doing when you go to counselors when you do amends and you're you're actually going through the program just not consciously aware of it so in my life through my spiritual growth you know there's there's moments where I just said well I'm just gonna bring this out if you ever saw the movie as good as it gets it's an interesting movie because it's kind of about this obsessive compulsive dude and then all these great like odd subplots and other stories they're it's

really a pretty good movie but I saw this one time I was on a plane I think to Australia and there's you know you have to watch a few movies to pass the time and I remember seeing it not watching it at first and then I saw a couple scenes and then I went well let me try it put on the headphones and I was like very impressed but the obsessive-compulsive guy Jack Nicholson there's a point long story short that he does everything over and over washes his hands over and over locks the doors each lock several locks

over and over and over over and over like that well towards the end of the movie starting to fall in love with somebody and he has to make a decision she doesn't like my being so obsessive compulsive and at first I told her well I don't really care if you like it or not I'm just gonna be this way and heck with you but he starts feeling for her feelings that override try are trying to override compulsions love overriding fear and he has to make a decision not not just consciously it's happening

automatically so at the end of towards the end of the movie he's leaving his apartment to I think go see her and he walks up to the door and he realizes he never locked the door that time in other words the pattern started changing that happened for me one day when someone said would you would you confide something you know when you know what's your birth date or or when was your first marriage or whatever it was back when it would have been not felt appropriate to talk about that a lot of spiritual teachers they say it's not

appropriate for you to ask personal information counselors doctors they all like that kind of boundary someone asked and I thought I don't feel right having any secrets not that I would be a few things out inappropriately to the wrong people too inappropriate you don't tell maybe you don't tell your children about certain things in your life it's inappropriate timing and all that so I do believe in healthy privacy but there was a point where someone said something and I let's let's say it was cuz I do

remember an instance where somebody said please you know just tell me about your astrology chart well I don't have that memorized I believe in astrology but I'm saying I don't I don't do my own and all that much so the ass and I said okay and I told them and and I'm not kidding within a couple of weeks I heard them telling people about it now your reaction about betrayal my reaction I had a massage by a guy who who I told he was going a bit too hard he didn't listen he cracked there were some ribs of mine my reaction

to these because those are betrayals I've asked you this you did that he betrayed what I asked yes there's also long-term betrayals and other kinds of romantic or trials but all of her still we have an agreement and you did otherwise that's basically betrayal my way of dealing with it wasn't to yell or scream or blame or shame I had to sit and think about it I still went back to that massage therapist after the ribs healed and I did tell them be careful cuz they were broken and he said oh no

they could have been I said but they were so just be careful and they did almost do it again they really almost did it again it's really bizarre but I still had gone back a couple times then I was done cuz it felt complete but for me I don't just shut the door and hate and do those things that some of us do oh I'm devastated I hate you I also look at me and my part in things my part could just simply be I'm gonna be clearer next time about you know no actually I don't want that amount that

if that amount of pressure is a nine I want you to do a seven if that's a seven and I won an I'm gonna tell you a nine like that's communication so maybe I need to do that or whatever so yeah you don't have to react you could kind of get into a space of proactive and come from there and it's kind of cool you know and the instance with the astrologer I don't even think I had a conversation with them again per se because I rarely saw them anyway that I would have had a chance to say something

but I I if I did I would have said by the way you asked me and in the same breath you said confidentially but you didn't keep it confidential now here's what I might add so don't ever ask me again because I won't trust you I might say that I won't believe it or feel it why might I say something like that so that they learn and go god that wasn't right see I wouldn't I can say things like that sometimes to people to get a point across without actually feeling you know something like that

I've had friends that get together and they you know what let's say we're getting together and chatting or whatever it you know one of them says can we talk openly about X Y and T Shirin let we all talk you know and then one of them kind of blows it or blurts it out or does something inappropriate and I have no problem saying that would be the last time I'm gonna hang out with you guys I've said that I've done that but at the same time if apologies and men's are true and clean and clear and

sincere I'm I'm I'm open that we might hang out again doesn't mean I'm going to for sure but I stay open so with betrayal and your response to betrayal one piece of advice would just be to keep you know keep open don't think forgiveness means you must be a certain way you still want to use discretion or else you're going to drumroll please betray yourself see so be careful it's not just about you forgiving others for betraying you got a watch that you're not betraying yourself so keep that in

mind when you're you know working on betrayal coming and going from you towards you from you to others others towards you and if you're open to it keep an open mind that underneath all betrayals there's also one extra pattern to consider which is my feelings of betrayal from God and towards God that I feel like I betrayed God and some of us try to be all new agey you know oh I would never betray God I am a being of light you know what do you say to that I wouldn't tell them you're wrong I would

just end the conversation move on or I might use an example of myself so that they might get closer to listening but I don't push things like that because a lot of people are so afraid of having betrayed God that they can't possibly hear it right now see so you know you just kind of steer away from that at that point but it's true we all the bottom line is if you didn't betray God why the hell are you here literally hell why are you here why are you in a world where things die and gets get sick or are limited or you know get

abused the reason we're in a world that God didn't create is because we betrayed God and split off and tried to create our own reality and every time you try to live a life and create a life outside of guidance of God you're betraying God again and yourself every time you forget who you are you're betraying everything in the universe from God to yourself to others you know you just do your best you know you can't say to your kids I'm always right you do your best if you try to pretend

you don't make a mistake you're betraying everything when you know I know people that sometimes have the hardest time saying oops sorry you know oh yeah I see I did that sorry about that they're the hardest time with that and I think the greatest thing to teach even if you're in the role of a teacher parent etc is to be able to say I made a mistake I remember I remember one time where my oldest daughter must have been 10 or 12 or something this is 20-something years ago and um and I trusted her told her something or gave

her something and except keep it as a private you know it's a it's a surprise for somebody and and she blurted out and I remember stopping and saying to her how can I ever trust you again and then I caught on oh now I'm parent parents are taught kids you know or nothing parents in the old days you know our days and we're taught you know I'm not saying you should overly spoil kids I'm saying there's a way to do things with love and honesty so I blew it how could I ever trust you again was that

God no that was hurt fear reaction overreaction and so I caught on and went back to her and said I apologize for saying that I said you know what really happened is you did do that and I did ask you but it was something that was too much of a hope I was having and it's almost a secret it's like in other words I there was an agenda attached to it not being said yet too much investment so my reaction you saw was my investment not what you did and not who I really am so I think that that was pretty nice I

think I mean it's not like the daughterís ended the next day and said oh my god you did dad you're the most amazing she might have heard me might not I just I don't know and I don't care I did my part and I think I'm she you know I'm sure she must have felt better than being told you you how dare you and you know you how can I trust you again no child wants to hear that that's hurtful but it was nice to catch it as soon as possible and that's all you have to do catch your mistakes as soon as possible

but when you don't own mistakes and you don't try to apologize or make amends you're betraying here's one of the ways you're betraying because that's not the real you that's doing it that way and if anytime you're not the real you you're betraying you're lying to yourself and everyone that this other person is the you the one that's hyper dependent on others and agendas planted every and everybody's garden I got you know agendas everywhere that's betrayal

because that doesn't allow for me to acknowledge who you really are so I'm betraying you because I'm not getting the really you know the the person that's real there I'm making up some other I'm lying to you I'm making up a false you and I'm making up a false meet so I'm betraying myself I'm denying that God is there and God is here so I'm denying God as well so if you you know if you're open to just seeing that all you know from a deeper level that's just

another you know another consideration betrayal can be overt where you just blatantly see it it can be covert where it doesn't seem very very obvious at all and that's usually where you know that it just involves agendas the covert almost always involves agendas really because those are the things we don't like to look at so healing healing betrayal or any other wound fear doubt shame low self-worth all of these things need to be seen and healed but what's interesting is anytime you're not owning hurt shame low

self-worth you're betraying yourself so betrayal is really a common thread between all other hurts so you don't want to just toss it out and say well if I don't have any huge form of betrayal this lecture wouldn't apply to me this talk wouldn't apply to me it is running through everything so even if you say well I've never had somebody really strongly overtly hurt and betray me then fine so yeah then let's look at whether you betray yourself and if you say I don't every time you drink to think it

calms you that's a betrayal of yourself because technically drink will not calm you and give you the peace you think it's giving you so you're lying to yourself a lie is like a betrayal basically you know so we have to just deal with it could be even your parents you might have a conversation about your parents and say my parents betrayed me true I understand they might have betrayed you hurt you in some way made you made you not a priority that's a betrayal but it's a betrayal because they're betraying their parenting

responsibilities but here's the other half of betrayal my agendas play into this I want you to make me very important you didn't aah you betrayed me but some of the emphasis on the betrayal was there because of how much I wanted you to be different with me you see so it's so tricky and I know if you want to be hateful toward somebody who betrayed you you know like anything I'm saying because you're gonna he's invalidating me and I want to be angry be angry and and maybe maybe go to a program of a show or somebody's you

know some some group or some show that's called anger enabled you know.com or whatever it's gonna be and go what and be angry angry and let it be enabled I let everybody support your anger that's not me and that's not my program and that's not Christ consciousness and that's not true spirituality you want anything of your ego enabled and anytime you hurt and hate it's of the ego or anything that lacks the presence of love is of the ego and so if you want that enable dead that wouldn't be here but if

you're willing to consider it then just try to go the extra mile instead of just yeah people have betrayed me and I'm gonna start working on forgiveness that's half the message but there's also and where have I either betrayed myself or where have I also magnified the the betrayal you know in a relationship a long long time ago my feelings got hurt you know it's like wow you know an end but I can swear to you it felt like what the person's doing was 90 something percent of the pain I was feeling and I

also swear to you hard to have admitted 90 percent was what I wanted the relationship to be swear and when I realized that it was like wow like what a mixed bag and what a mind-blowing moment but it was like they did this and they did and then it was gradually wait I needed them to never do this and that so they did this and that but that's that's unfortunate but I needed them to not do this in that so a huge amount of the betrayal feeling of betrayal the pain of the betrayal was in my agendas my needs and so I saw that and I I don't

think I ever could go back to that again I my eyes will open and I woke up and and that's empowering guys so when if you think it's you know I'm I'm not supporting hurt and hate reactions it's cuz I know the hurt and hate doesn't actually support you truly it only pretends to which is another betrayal which is why I said you're betraying yourself when you want that kind of enabling and you forget who you are so instead you go no wait a minute it's not easy to go that was me but when

you do get it oh my god it's such a it's not only a brilliant moment in my opinion it changes you forever sometimes I think you get tempted people get tempted to go back to old patterns obviously people do it all the time but I mean sometimes you're still going to get tempted to revert back to something that you totally clearly saw after you know at some point in your life but for me I just I don't think I ever was able to go back to that anywhere near the quantity of needing like a codependents or needing someone to be a

certain way you know in my job as a kid but that's how it felt at the time and I think most of us as kids have that because we're children so there's a this person hurt me or my parents and this and that and the other siblings but we're so alone in the world seemingly alone in the world that it's it sort of sprouts lots of codependent chords that we send out looking for any kind of reciprocation when we get it oh my god that's wonderful and then one day it gets trampled on and it's like how dare

somebody mess with my codependent chord that's what you're saying when you say how dare so-and-so do this to me or that to me instead it's it is put put the other words in there I really have this strong instead of I'm so in love with someone's own I really have this strong codependent chord try that because it helps wake you up and to help you realize I need to be interdependent I need to be whole within myself and let me approach more with I get it and I feel awake and I'd like to share that

love with another person and I don't have to if they're not in front of me that's fine but I'm open to it and it's just a very beautiful neutral kind of place some people don't like it because it doesn't sound romanticized and codependent enough so if that's what you're looking for that again a different presenter might be best for you so take it easy guys be willing to look at mistakes be willing to look at self betrayals and the betrayals of any others out there to end them to you be willing to recognize in

your real self you could never have been hurt your God self cannot cannot be hurt can't be betrayed okay and if it could God would have said I can't believe you guys betrayed me I'm gonna cast you out of the garden which is what the Bible tells us but it wasn't God that wrote these pieces that's where the ego infiltrates and creates a fearful vengeful a fear-based and vengeful God that's mankind making God in his own image or as one philosopher once said God made man in his own image and then

man returned the favor you know it's kind of a funny way of saying it but it's just not who we really are guys so I pray this works for you I pray that you can apply this in your life I know it's a bit serious and sobering and so you know compared to some other talks that we do at times a little more lighthearted or lighter topics for that matter but is it it was still important for us to share that all right so blessings to you all join us where you can when you can please if you feel called to do so and can you you can make

donations to these programs or my ministry directly at the foundation for Christ consciousness you can do donations you can be a sponsor of my ministry there or just make occasional donations if you like either way probably 80 plus percent of what I do is free that's just Phil's right just feels right so that's what I do blessings to you all so if this into your heart let this be a healing sharing time for you and then onward and upward all right blessings bye-bye