Boundaries with Family, Others, and Self

yeah so we're gonna go into boundaries in particular some of you are asking about family and it doesn't matter if it's family her friends I mean there's slight variations but really boundaries are boundaries it just means I'm gonna come from a healthy place and and say yes or no based on what makes sense what what seems like the greatest good and this is a very deep topic it's it's quite beautiful on so many levels to talk about and understand and learn and practice boundaries but people I

misunderstand that they think you know they reach boiling point man they just get full fed up and then they blow and say oh it's time for me to set boundaries well as soon as you're upset you're not setting boundaries you're reacting so whether you give in to people which is not a boundary or you stomp on them retaliating that's not a boundary either boundaries are really coming from a center a calm place inside no you know sometimes we're a little bothered or upset I understand but they

really come from a healthy place a healthy center and where we're able to say okay even if triggered we're able to say okay I get it I'm triggered right now but let me stop for a second and take a look at this let me breathe okay let me breathe and take this in for a moment what's going on you know and see what's triggering you so you take what's outside occurring you take it inside you see what it's bringing up for you and you learn from it wow you know this is bringing up disrespect or betrayal or

wounds of hurt and you know so on you look at it you you cry you talk you process you breathe you journal whatever you need to do to process it then you set it down and you go inside even deeper and find God meaning peace so in other words there's three stages there's a reaction to something happening outside looking at what it brings up inside of me on the inside then dropping even that going to the third spot inside which is a calm Center you know like hey God what would it be like despite what just happened to me and what it brought

up in me what would it be like to just be in the peace of God and then just kind of breathe out and enjoy that for a moment just kind of you know like a respite just take a break then then you come back and reverse that process from one two three three two one and you go okay wow that felt good to kind of Center into a quiet place for a moment then appreciate that and but you know what I'm going to do is imagine taking that piece into me remember we went from others the reaction outside to inside of me what it brought up to God

now I'm taking God back the other direction from this point to the next point which is where I worked on my triggers and so forth and I looked at what it brought up in me can I bring a little bit of that peace forward so that I can feel that you know because I just did some work I mean and I'd like to feel kind of good not just in a deep meditation I'd like to bring some of that goodness forward into me kind of like as a reward for doing my work okay and then I get that a little bit perfect then I'm gonna bring it forward all the

way if relevant in my interactions with what with others because that's what originally triggered me out here so essentially it's like saying wow you're pissing me off what's that bringing up inside of me hey God how are we doing oh let's bring some of that God forward we bring it forward back to wow you know I feel a bit better now I think I can handle talking to you more about this then we go and bring the boundaries forward with hey listen you know that original thing that happened a minute ago or an hour ago or dare go or

we could go a month ago ten years ago remember that yeah I'm good you know what would you like to talk about well you know when this stuff comes up and you're able to say because you're coming from a healthy place oh yeah you know I'm sorry about that see I can afford it I was just with God a minute ago man I can afford anything really so it's like I'm good yo oh absolutely let me take responsibility I'm sorry about that is there anything I can do to kind of make that better anything to help you feel

better okay cool no and but you want me to jump off a cliff hmm I'm checking in no that doesn't resonate with the inner me and the god me doesn't resonate that's when you say no and they say well if you really loved me you would really do anything I asked to make up for whatever they think you've done or even just to to get your goat and push your buttons and boundaries means you're able to you know not get offended that they want you to do this but instead it's more like no I'm good that doesn't feel

right for me well if you loved me and I do but I'm not gonna do that you see just really really calm Center the problem we have is you can hear me saying this and go oh that sounds kind of easy or simple or whatever the problem we have is when you actually deal with humans you know you know that's where it gets to be a bummer because you have lets a person a child a parent you know somebody wants you to enable their ego you know they want you to to give them more than you can afford to give psychologically emotionally

whatever and you know you're having to say no and you're gonna get the retaliation sometimes usually you're not gonna get wow wow you just said no to something and I'm really feeling honored I mean wow that that's really helping me realize how I have been overstepping and well you just you just taught me something valuable and thank you thank you for recognizing your healthy boundaries oh my god what a wonderful being you are heard you know that's not usually gonna be the reaction it's jerk

you know who do you think you are you think you're better than us you know you owe me you're gonna get all that stuff now if you can't handle hearing that stuff then you probably shouldn't even set boundaries just go ahead and keep being weak trampled on door matted and enabling egos and codependence and so on you know I mean you could just might as well just say listen do you need intravenous to blood for me to you know take it from here with your you know fangs or here you know with your claws

because you know we're not gonna get anywhere if I'm not gonna stand up for myself right so dumb don't mess around either be prepared or don't but the reason I said you go inside is so that you can find that healthy center and be able to stand your ground you know it's okay it's alright I don't care who it is I really don't I don't care you go but this is my mother but this is I don't care who it is this could be your priest your rabbi your mother your father somebody said to me

this week but what about honor thy father and mother that was your father God and your mother God your father and mother and it also means if you want to bring it to your parents honor the honorable aspects of your parents if they have none don't honor them if they have any honorable aspects honor those it's all it means you know the people that you the people that made you think that meant honor your mother and father no matter what they did to you or parents that were telling people that you know so don't don't buy into twisted

interpretations of things and notice with me how I'm gonna say you could call me you could email me and say Michael but I believe you're not gonna get anywhere which really takes some people off I know some people don't like me because you know of that but Dad - I don't care I mean it really doesn't matter to me I'm not saying I'm completely cold and thick-skinned about people not liking me no I'm a human being I I would really prefer that you know that people not hate me especially when they have no

reason to hate me or whatever that's that would be that's a bummer so I'm not like thick-skinned but I'm also I also know what's true and the truth is the last person you need to give in to our people that try to punish you for honoring your true self I mean that in itself should be like oh I get it they're trying to punish me for standing up for higher self love or whatever for God that would mean they're probably not healthy people and therefore it's probably not in their best interest or

mine for me to give in you know and so on okay so hopefully that's making sense you know and and based on questions one of you is asking what fear what if you're the only one in family the only one in the partnership the only one in the whatever the only one at work or in the business arrangement what if you're the only one that wants to work things out what if you're the only one oh that's that's you know that's a bummer guys I gotta admit the more the more you're the one carrying the relationship the family you

know the only you're the one that wants to be sane you know the harder it's gonna be on your nervous system when your mind on your psyche it is yeah yeah I would say pray and make sure God becomes your strength but when you're not feeling the strength then rest sleep you know bubble bath or something you know recuperate rejuvenate if you burn yourself out as an attempt to make other people happy you're actually doing everybody harm you know if you're doing it to a fault you know that's being a rescuer it's

being also insensitive to yourself which is why I said we should talk about boundaries with ourselves today as well which we're going to get to but if you're the only one it's kind of a bummer so it comes down to this you better ask yourself what can I afford to do just quick vivid examples if you and I are in love and we just met and we run into a little bit of a snag and somebody needs to apologize for me I would go that's easy man we're just we're really in love this is an easy decision let me just own it

and say sorry about that and we'll move on further you know with the sake of happiness and the relationship and so on but what happens to us is 40 years into it you've cheated six times you're still an addict of some kind or another you know you spend every dime that we make yeah yeah me now carrying the relationship I would like to sometimes I would love to sometimes I being we any of us but really it would actually be hazardous for me to carry it first of all it's unhealthy for you if you're the partner the other partner

who's got all these issues because my carrying you could give you the impression that this is okay and it is not okay so you know it's important to say you know check in and see what you can afford to do and you know it's important and I've been able to do that in my life once in a while only only a few times in my life where I haven't had to say man we're reaching the limit because I believe in unlimited and unconditional love so I do my best to live it preach it walk it talk it you

know everything and not give up so when I got to give up I gotta go okay it's gonna take it's taken quite a bit for me to go it doesn't look like this is gonna happen and I won't even get into pushing like please please please because then I'm talking you into it then I know it's not something I should probably be trying to you know aspire towards okay but just think about it check in and see if you're the main person having to juggle it you got to ask yourself and that doesn't mean you can't once in a

while we're able to pull off a miracle one in every hundred people that I talk to they hang in there they hang in there they carry the relationship they carry the family and then all of a sudden the miracle happens and everybody gets it but that's pretty rare and so you might say well how do I know it's one if that's me or not wait you should be assuming you're the 99 times that may not happen and I'm not saying to to dis or not believe in the chance of that one but to use common sense that it's one in a hundred times

that it turns into a wonderful miracle now again it's okay for you to keep trying as long as you're owning that you're able to carry that one chance in a hundred long as you're okay to own that now if it doesn't work out and you whine later but I thought it was gonna work up how why did you think that you were now lying to yourself and not setting healthy boundaries for you you see you gotta you know use common sense but you have to honor and respect yourself enough to say this may not be

working and yeah and one person also asked and I don't know if I got the wording quite right but in a sense they were saying have you heard of people who are potentially in a good relationship but then get distracted for example you you know this person that you mean the person might say well this partner and I this person I met and I I think that we can do great things together write songs together whatever it happens to be even even even parenting together perhaps like co-parenting but we're not meant to

be ongoing life mates we don't get along at that capacity or it could be something like we just have a real attraction even though we're supposed to be doing work together we allow the attraction to get us which has happened to people in the past of course and they get into the passion of it and then they it affects the work when it affects the work you think sometimes okay let's go back to just let's go back to just working and not having the intimate relationship almost never can a person do that it's all it's almost impossible

because the feelings are there the past is there you know so it's a little bit it's a bit challenging why does it happen well because you were being turned on you know if it's one of those types of things where you're you know the allure of the sex appeal or the connection Wow there's just something here it seems magical so you move forward with it and sometimes you think you're going to be okay with it sometimes you thought you know hoped it would even go further into deep love forever but sometimes it's like you

thought you could just handle the you know intimate friendship and you know it gets kind of sabotage because the emotions get in the way and then sometimes comes resentments and jealousies with other people and so forth and then it affects the work it depends what kind of work you're doing but sometimes that's very hazardous because if your work was supposed to be like just a quick example and you're Casey Aston or reading about his attraction to his secretary stenographer you know he had his wife

his wife was a very dutiful life and you know very like you know they were like mom paw cattle you know or the old the old man and the and the old woman you know farmers you know at the pinch for a picture you know so you you got that old vibe and that the old values so that was cool but he felt a electricity a vibe with his stenographer like there was more excitement you know pictures of Casey with his wife like this pictures with the secretary you know there was a lot more hey whoa you know going on in the

in the room you know and he asked in the readings can this be pursued the reading said well of course you know of course there's a magic there there's an energy past life connections etc it elaborated all the details of it but it did say but if you pursue the affair the work will be affected and there's all kinds of reasons for that I won't even mother get into getting into but the work would be affected not because of an immoral issue but it does speak to the arguments that would start happening and distractions

that would start happening with the arguments and pretty soon you know the wife that's helping with the readings would suddenly not want to be in the same room with the stenographer who's helping with the readings and the contention would affect the clarity of the readings and so on and so on so it does it does have an effect you know even even your songwriting and so on you know these all these things can be affected adversely sometimes adversity can inspire or give us some insights to write things but you know I I would say

it's not worth going through hell to get to heaven it's not worth creating contention just to write a great song about contention you know I'd rather be at peace and just feel the flow of spirit coming through me all the time but that's just a quick answer to some of them each of those questions so far now when it comes to setting boundaries with others family members and that sort of thing you know although it's it's crucial to learn to set boundaries it is very very important to understand that

even when you're setting boundaries with others you're actually setting them within yourself so in other words it's it's true that the others are really teaching us they're the others our outer mirrors of our own lessons so even even if I say you know you're taking advantage of me too much so I'm gonna set a boundary and say no more of that yes I am setting a boundary with you who keep taking advantage of me but I'm also if you think about it learning to value myself more so so don't think that setting

boundaries means I'm suddenly self-righteous and you're the other people are the bad guys and we're learning to say no to them sometimes that is the vibe sometimes that does seem to be somewhat true yes but you really can't escape that we're learning to that it's important I'm learning to value myself when I set boundaries with you I'm learning to care about myself I'm learning to say wow I've been here before and I don't want to keep doing this so you know I'm saying no to myself

as much as you so keep that in mind you know I know it's challenging to have had family members that do some of the things that some of them do but at the same time you know their lessons are for us too they push their luck a little they take advantage sometimes or they push and pull at us try to control mom you know but I'm your mother you have to do what I want you keep giving in and then your heart gets broken you feel used and and there and sometimes they're rude you know so I think it's right to say

hey wait a minute no not gonna happen we're not doing that anymore but I'm your mother you thanks mom that's great thanks for reminding me but here's how this is gonna work and some of you who have that session was with me have heard me say this you write an email you know so you don't have to hear it on the phone especially if your weekend on the phone but you write an email and you say you know anything you can that's positive hey listen you know thank you positive pause Bach if you can come up

with positive sincerely you know share some things and thank yous and so on you know I really have appreciated this about our life our relationship whatever great move into part two their second paragraph let's call it and that is you know but I'm really running into some challenges there sometimes don't know how to connect and sometimes I don't know how to get along more with you and you know instead of saying you don't respect me talk about you I don't know how to make our conversations go

more peacefully that's a nice way of saying it is responsible way of saying it too now you and I know people that are real contentious and rude and disrespectful of you they're not going to go oh oh that was so responsible let me change my ways it's very rare but they might but doesn't matter because your point is that you write the letter responsibly you give them less ammunition to shoot at you when they say your letter was rude as long as you can say I I bowed out of this or I set a boundary and I did it as tactfully

lovingly respectfully responsibly as I could BAM leave it be now if they can't handle it and you did it that way correct you did everything you could and I think you're good to go now they they react and on it and you cover that in your third paragraph by saying and if this doesn't work for you I understand you won't need to respond in fact do not respond unless there's an agreement and if you don't respond to all understand I won't hear from you and that'll be that you know and in a sense you're dropping

a hint saying don't contact me if this is going to be contentious and if they do try to get rid of it try to you know done and you sometimes it depends on your relationship you're talking about sometimes it's just a mild upset sometimes this is an ongoing stalking pattern from somebody a family member and that's when you have to say an extra added piece which is you know if you do not agree or if you contact me and it's contentious then I will have to notify the authorities because I'm telling you

do not contact me under any such kinds of means and and you're not doing any of this as though you're good they're bad don't even think good and bad just think healthy this is what's healthy for me and that's what I've got to do and then do it but if you feel like you still have to doubt and question yourself then sit down and say well okay is there any legitimacy to my doubt if there is you know like you might say well now that I think about the person they might not have meant what they said when I interpreted it to

mean you know something as gross and rude as they said let me double check that's worth checking I'm not asking you to jump you know into the briar patch I'm not asking you to just make assumptions and go right for the good you know the the throat of course if you're in doubt double check hey listen I just wanted to check is this what you meant is this what you said you know if they say oh my god no then great you've saved the relationship from crashing into a hard boundary level you know but

just do what you can guys do what you can to clean things up and find out what works for you and start a new year even if this is July 4 that you watching this start a new year saying it's a you know clean man I want clean healthy clean and healthy that's what I'm going for today all right so when it comes to setting boundaries with ourselves you know remember you're really you're really saying I want to learn to have value so I want to check in and make sure I'm doing things that feel right

for me boundaries with ourselves is already being practiced when we set boundaries with others but there's also ones with our real literally with ourselves how much time do you go to the gym I've gotta look younger I've gotta look thinner I'm gonna push beyond what I should really be pushing that's that's an unhealthy boundary cuz it's not a boundary at all you went too far you know and uh you know things can happen I mean mind you you sprained an ankle even when you do a mild workout but I'm

saying just using an example you know if you say to yourself I'm gonna set a boundary I'm gonna I'm gonna learn I'm gonna go without dating for a while because I'm gonna clean up my old relationship patterns my I love relationship better gonna clean my stuff up and then like 28 years later you still haven't dated I I call that starving as opposed to fasting fasting is good but don't starve so somewhere in there you went past the line and the same thing goes for the opposite direction I'm gonna I'm gonna

faster relationships and then like old they're cute you know like two seconds later that's that's unhealthy it's not a boundary at all you're still in your addictive patterning and you need to look at it so it gets really tricky now I should say in advance we all have to have boundaries with ourselves healthy what works for me what Who am I and what works for me okay but at the same time my idea of what works for me is going to be different than you and you'll be different from the person to your right

to your left behind you forward and so on we're all going to be different but the thing is most of us don't even check in to find out what our boundaries are that's the problem but even if you do discover your boundaries which is one in hundreds of people that practice healthy boundaries hopefully it's going to be everybody on the program but even when you practice healthy boundaries they're gonna be different than the next person because they're yours so I might say for me I would never do such and such to you

it might be oh I yeah that's easy for me I've no problem with great say and you don't tell people your boundaries wrong you know you don't say that you know your boundaries are wrong somehow cuz they're theirs so you have to honor other people's boundaries or you're actually not practicing healthy boundaries by not honoring theirs you're your sort of penetrating their space telling them their boundaries are wrong or off or bad or not strong enough not this enough or that enough so that gets

a bit unhealthy obviously I know I know for me I definitely my boundaries can stretch a lot further than most people's and more than what I would advise most people to do but that doesn't mean they're wrong it doesn't mean I'm hypocritical because I would do something I wouldn't advise you to do it's because I actually feel like I can deal with it I can take it that's just me but you got to check in for what is you just to give you kind of a an example you know just like like

times I've said yes to things but things that I felt I could afford most of the time even though I have set a limit and said you know God you know touring can be hard man it can be it's it's it's it's expensive you're staying in people you know hotels and you know there's costs involved rent to cars and on I'm not depending on you know what phase of my touring schedule but sometimes there were people offering rides but lot lots of times Renault cars and so on sometimes tours were five six weeks long

and sometimes six days long but you know I I sort of thought there's a point many years ago where I said well larger centres are fine because it covers expenses and it makes a living and so on but but I I was setting a boundary with smaller centres or like if somebody says oh Michael I have 25 friends you know and a puppy that are gonna fill my living room for you if you just come to God you know some of you guys that have asked and do you know damn well that I always said yes you know it would be it would be contrary to my preference but

you know I wanted to be helpful so I just I still did it I still did bookstores even into the 2000s I think you know early 2000s um I still would go and you know some bookstore and you know they make they make a killing you know and um they're they may sell more books and it really means a lot to them there's churches you know that sometimes they're like well we only have 55 people and I'm like I keep you know my god you know but I often did it probably 10 years ago is the first time I you know I

said you know because our policies mind you it's not just me but our teams as you know there's the policy and and we don't we don't do the centers that have less than on whatever 100 or 200 people or whatever but I never wanted to be the type that says I'm too big for you you know you're not worthy it was never that and I had to make sure it was not that so I was happy to test myself by still doing you know smaller places because all too often the few people that do big out of many hundreds that don't man

they just go right into I'm too big for you and you know so on and so on so I have said yes to a couple of conferences that weren't very large conferences and all that but strangely enough I would still say yeah but I knew the conference is working a launch they weren't going to make it because it's hard to do conferences so even though I still said yes because I wanted to be helpful if it was going to work you know I was trying to be helpful and put myself out there when I when I got married I had a friend

who when this is back when I was 20 or so I had a friend who was kind of down on his luck you know and he slept on my couch for like that three or something years I had an apartment he you know and people were like you're married now you know um you know this is just one of the hundred reasons why I'm not a good person to be married but because for me it was like this person needs help well but you're married you're supposed to have the apartment for you you know to me everybody is important you know I I

never had that I'm sorry about that to partner but you know I never had that like this person is the one and only for me and they're the only person important instead well this person needs help so there-there were on my couch small apartment mind you but there on my couch day in and day out you know and you know I'm I'm glad I helped them and they're actually spiritual very devote to this day on the spiritual path in part because not just my good deed of letting them live there but conversations we

would have at the time so it was quite a kind of beautiful typically these things I'm describing things I do you know they turned out pretty well I mean really there were miracle working when you practice healthy boundaries believe it or not you're actually setting a field up for miracle working it may sound like they're totally unrelated like boundaries just have to do with creating a little sanity for yourself but it isn't because when you create a safe space for yourself within that space

you're able to move and navigate and you know be respectful but also you can give a little here and there it can work miracles in people's lives so I've said yes to lending money or giving money or gifting money or you know things like that that's all about boundaries but it's all about miracle-working you know I I said yes to a relationship partly because somebody needed to deal with immigration issues and I thought about doing that a couple of times in my life now I could sincerely say it's not

an illegal thing because whomever it is I would actually absolutely love them and to go through the proper motions to make it legitimate and real okay I would have done that but um well you know when I see people whose lives are being devastated or destroyed I think you know God you know how can how can I help so again my boundaries would be different than yours but you know you know often I've reached out and done things things that you might not agree with I remember one time let's see this is probably in the later 90s midnight

here's just something my kids were probably in middle school at the time and and I remember the principal called because a couple of a few kids three or four kids decided for some reason to not go to school they decided to go to some other school just to visit to be you know playful fun like a dare you know let's go visit another school so they did and they got caught so principal Cole's you know you need to come and pick up your kids that are gonna be expelled for the day okay that's kind of

a bummer to hear but okay but the thing is the neighbor was one of the other kids and their mom was called and and I knew there might be a problem so I called they said hi did you hear and she said well I just got the call but I don't know what to do her husband was thrown out of her house for molesting her children and she was trying to run the their family business by herself could not leave the business to go get the kids so she was beside herself you know what I said I said I'll go get him oh but the principal said it's not

allowed for will a parent to go it has to be I got it I got it so you know I called my kid you know I'm picking you up okay you know you call the office the principal's office yeah okay we're picking you up and the other parents are picking you up to their kids up too and the principal is like fine they'll be in my office so I call I call my my kid you know hey it's me you know what we're gonna do when you see the vehicle you know create a diversion or just stretch you know can I use a bathroom and then you and your

friends run out the door it was like a Mission Impossible you know it's great now mind you some people that's wrong it is you know it was the right thing to do so for me it was right so my kids they keep they all three or four of them they came running out I had that it was a minivan a really cool custom minivan and slid the door open you know and I had the sound effects going as they're running I'm going dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun you know and they're all they run and jump they slide it over you

know we take off and we have to be careful because the principal likely calls the police and they're watching for this because I technically could be considered kidnapping the children from the school um I don't care it's just what was right so um you know and I'm strange in so many ways as you guys know so but it it's right I have said yes to 24 hours a day sessions knowing that there's times when people are in need and so there are times in my life when my phone would be at my bedside you know

nightstand 24 hours and and because people were calling from different countries and their 20 hours forward or backward or you know eight hours different and you know I'm like well you know that's what I needed to do especially in those days that's how I handled it now there's a little bit more of an easy system where people can get booked and Skype and this and that the other but that's what I did and for me it was the right thing I had a I think twice in my life where somebody asked me

he for a kiss and you know and I said yes many times they said no but a couple times they said yes one woman in particular she was I think 35 or 40 and she had never been on a date never kissed a person she had come in with a lot of phobias about this for reasons she knows and was just panicked about it and asked if I would be willing to share a quick kiss with her so that she could feel like it's okay like she broke through that that barrier and as much as some other people would judge it it's what I did I chose to say yes I

told the story at least once where I walked a friend to school who's who was told he was going to be killed on the way to school but he was afraid and all of his other friends are like snickering and going man I'm not going anywhere near him and I just said well somebody's got to so you know I walked with him and felt like it swayed its way it is I I am was walking in a city one night and a kid was being chased by a gang and you know I told him to come and stand by me because minoo either he was going to be

killed and in fact he got shot he stood behind me but he panicked and he ran there were several of them anyway but he ran after standing behind me when they got close enough he took off and then they shot him and it was you know that was interesting like you could actually hear like they say in movies you actually hear them you know the bullets were flying past my head you know I could hear them penetrating the air you know and and hitting the walls and the windows behind me but they didn't kill him they just shot him and he got it

hitting a leg but you know the point is it's like well you know I just felt like I can afford it and if I were to go then I'd rather go doing something than then saying no you're on your own dude that for me that was right now you know I'm not telling you it's right for example you're a mom or a dad you have family to support your kids would be devastated not that mine wouldn't have been but they know I'm so strange you know in so many ways they kind of I think had to adapt this guy is just not going to give

us you know all the things you'd expect from a dad no they they knew you know emergency Rises you know it's like he's Batman he's gonna he's gonna answer the call he's got to go to the Batcave and down the bat-pole and out you know he they knew that that was my thing but we did compromise which is good boundaries because they set a boundary with me and said hey could you could you do us a favor when we come over for Thanksgiving could you not take calls and I said tell you what you thank you for asking it's a

great point guys tell you what I will take the call only to tell them you know to call back in one hour to you know to give them directions and they agreed they thought that was perfect and we did it so boundaries are not solid they're not walls man they're flexible and negotiable and as long as nobody's being harmed by it you know when I was in high school I would love to have had more fun and partied with people but it wasn't my thing so I said yes to just like yes to these other things yes to being the

designated driver but most of the time and there was an instance where a friend of mine he and his wife great great people and he said my wife works for a veterinarian and she's really struggling cuz she wants to have children but her work is her priority and so she doesn't have time to really meet anybody etc they asked if I would bother a child with her just just simply bothering the child you know like meaning as a donor or whatever whatever they wanted you know and it's outlandish and Jesus says

in the Bible and Course in Miracles along these lines when people ask something outlandish say yes to prove to them it doesn't matter now before you get nuts on that let me explain what he's saying is show people that you're not attached but he does clarify I don't want you to do things that would harm them or you but it is nice to show them it it's okay it doesn't matter and that's what I always felt even before reading that I always felt that I was just felt like I could afford it it's

okay so that's my boundary and you have to find yours you know I remember guys once I was at my office and these guys knew I was there and they respected me as a counselor or as a teacher and you know what I do is spiritual counselor but they they didn't know they saw at this nightclub I guess in in the same city where my office was fort or in my office and they knew I was going through a really tough period of divorce and all that happened so I'm sleeping at my office so they knew I was there so they

came pounding on the door I'm like what you know and they're like hey man please you know we're at this nightclub and there's this popular model that was there today she's drunk and she you know like she can be taken advantage of she could get hurt she could try to dry I mean we're just trying to be straight up because you talked to us about this sort of thing what do we do you know and I go oh well you know I gave options they didn't have any so they actually dumped her off at my office and this drunk popular model

and it was just bizarre but I'm gonna say yes yes most of the time to things especially in those days and so I said yes they dropped her off and I talked to her a little bit and then I put her on the couch where I sleep and I put her on the couch and covered her up and I went slept on the floor and then I think it was the next room I don't remember if it was the same room or next room but slept on the floor elsewhere it's the right thing to do and and I told this story once before but it's kind of funny

because her brother showed up the next day you know it was this it was this big guy man and and he introduced himself and I thought oh my god god only knows what he thinks you know like she hooked up and spent the night at some guy's place you know or something and he said I just wanted to come into town to the city here and and he was probably from a couple hours away he said I drove in to meet the person that met my sister knowing who she is and could have taken advantage because I know she was drunk or whatever and and didn't take

advantage and he shook my hand you know it's just like how do you how do you put a value to that's like wow like that's just beautiful and that's what I partly meant by boundaries are setting a stage for miracles really um and when I was in in high school I was asked to you know I was around film industry once in a while because I knew people in that you know and I was asked a couple times to do things and one time in particular I was asked to do a specific role where I would have been wearing a hat in a scene

of a movie and of a hat and coat net so you kind of couldn't see me so it's kind of cool I could you could see me but I could make it so you couldn't so what I did was to me being in that was not a big deal but I had a friend with me at the studio and he's like oh my god dude I get to watch you film this and that in the other you know I'm like um you know we ought to do you put the coat on you put the Hat on they won't even know if you cover up enough they won't know it's not me because you know somewhat

Sam similar complexion it's all covered you know if you cover up enough because it's supposed to be a cool occult scene so you've got a head you know beanie kind of thing and just you know similar skin color and dark hair whatever no problem and he got to do it so it's kind of cool yeah they caught on to him on another saying so they throw him out and put me back in but you know my point is saying yes like giving people chances giving people opportunities to do things I'm the type of person when you hear

about that that nuclear meltdown in this country or that country and they're going and nobody can go in I would do it I would say all dan yet ah you know I would take a few breaths I would try not to think about it too much because then I could talk myself out of it but if they said there's a button in there somebody's got to push the dang button or people are gonna keep dying I mean I just think well how am I gonna not do that that doesn't make any sense again that's just telling you a little bit

about myself that might sound a little strange but I swear that's that's been my style and this resulted in lots of miracles you know many times but there are times when people have asked me for things and it was a setup and that was a drag that's when I felt regret that's when I felt yucky you know like ashamed and like just slimed you know when people snuck in under the radar asked for something and they had agendas you know and even to this day that happens and it's kind of sad I think of it as kind of a sad

thing because god the the value of doing things without the agendas and the beauty and only asking when you sincerely want and could handle something to have that happen whether if somebody pays a car payment for you or somebody pays your food bill at a restaurant I think it's great but you know when people play a game on you and take you know advantage that that is always a bummer so that's a bummer you know that that that's going to bring up lessons and it's going to tempt you to think never

again I'll give you a couple examples of that but before I do if you think I'm bragging about how giving and so forth let me clarify I'm telling the story because boundaries can be that wide so to speak but they also sometimes haven't gone well so if if it looks like I'm bragging about the times that I've done things I'm equally telling you times you know that it didn't did you know that people took advantage or whatever and that was kind of a drag you know it's like God is saying look yeah trust in me

but just don't do anything stupid and then blame me for it you know cuz we're supposed to be asking guidance on what to do and not do that's part of what boundaries are about so you know Christ says yeah you know honor you know know the truth but respect the illusion don't jump off a cliff and ask the angels to come and catch you because the you know remember the story Jesus is out of the desert of 40 days 40 nights and you know he has a conversation with the ego or the devil whichever you want to call it

and it says just you know throw yourself off the mountains and the angels will come and catch you you know just go ahead and prove it because you're so wonderful Jesus and he's like what a ridiculous waste of energy what a ridiculous waste of faith even you know why I even put oneself into danger even though the Angels would come and minister to him why even do it and that's why the important lessons with boundaries so you know I've had to breathe and kind of step back and go okay lessons learned so

for example at one time at a conference I spoke for hours and was done it was exhausting me it was all you know was like an all-day conference couple days and it was finally over the event was finally over these gals came up I think there were three and they said you know Michael they were they were acting kind of like a little bit like fans you know but a little bit more like groupie fans it was kind of strange and they were like Oh Michael you know you know nice to meet you and they were standing all close and it was like you know and I

said well I'm just gonna go get a Pepsi you know something to cool off and oh we'll get it for you okay whatever is so I'm talking and they may be I'm signing books or something like that but they go and then they come back and I mean I'm like I just drank it down it was so hot and I was just dehydrate so I drank it down and then they got another one and I drank it down then something I started feeling like and they drugged the drink so there I was you know saying yes to a gift from somebody that wasn't you know

and that's one of those examples of things that you know it feels weird I've had intimacy in my life that had conditions on it that I didn't hope or think would be there attachments that came before during or after such an experience and for me intimacy should be shared when people are really clear and honest and in a state of love and respect for one another when there's agendas and weirdness it just it blows the whole thing and so it's like forget it man you know and it tempts us to say

never again and I don't think it should be never again I think it should just be let me look at whatever lessons are here with this you know the friendships that said they were friendships that were not friendships where I confided in people that betray and and take the confidence shared just like any of you doing there was once a gal who needed a rent-a-car I won't go into the story but it was almost midnight the rent-a-car places at the airport closed and she was there with a newborn and her ride fell

through so she needed a rent-a-car and they wouldn't give it to her based on the conditions of what kind of card you need to use to rent so she was just about to be put out into the street in LA because they had no other option in me they couldn't do anything more for her so I said okay well I'll rent the car for you you know and I did she was so grateful grateful grateful and you know she promised you'll repay it but I'm doing it thinking it's okay because even if she doesn't only do what

you can afford so if she doesn't it's only gonna be a couple hundred dollars that's fine so there's a boundary it's within a couple hundred but she didn't return the car when she was supposed to and didn't return it to the location she's supposed to so she took advantage and it ended up costing me seven hundred dollars instead of two and my gracious wonderful travel agent went to bat for me and got it down to probably three or four hundred which was great much better than it would have been but that's an

example of oops I've had guest speakers that I welcomed into unity of Sedona where I teach that came in I welcome them in and they they they literally took that as a way to to try to take over unity and and have me snuffed out I mean so things happen where I say yes and I feel like so many miracles but it does happen and if it happens to you guys where you you do your best to be great gracious and loving and serving and helpful to people and it goes wrong once in a while it does not mean you did anything wrong but you can ask could I

have done anything different like the girl that was putting on the street there was and I asked myself what I do it differently no I would not now say next time they're going into the street that's a healthy boundary that means I can then say to myself Michael you don't have to punish yourself for that one because you know you would to do you would have done that again there are some things I probably wouldn't do again those are good lessons you know when it comes to you folks any of us when it

comes to intimacy --zz those are ones that we could be a little bit more cautious on because it's such a sensitive topic you you even when people say they're okay with it they're gonna be your best friend they're loving people or whatever it's such a risk' topic for people it just stands a chance that that one's gonna go a little weirder then lending somebody 10 bucks or something you know so keep that in mind lessons learned you know so so sometimes saying yes can provide miracle space for

people but one of the lessons is ask God consistently what you would have me do God and then also remember sometimes you can ask yourself is yes good yeah it looks like it would be good but ask yourself sometimes check it out and ask no how valuable would no be to this person because sometimes you could actually discern that no would be a better lesson for them then yes then that would be a good thing right so I have said no I you know more often you know a little more often than the last 10 plus years of my life two things

that you know to stand up for healthiness and I've said no to rude people I've said no to people that gossip it's bogus you know people gossiping to the point I don't just kind of say no I mean if you're a friend of mine and somebody wants me to hate you and starts telling me garbage about you that I know isn't true especially that I know isn't true I'm gonna question that like what are you doing what do you what is this about because you need to be called out because you're trying to

cause an evil and I'm gonna say no there's a really rude in Sedona here there's this really rude owner of a pizza place since I love pizza that that's what we would buy at the Unity all the time for our snacks and there's this one owner that's just notorious for being really rude to people and and he you know somebody that was visiting from out of town won a pizza I said oh they're really good you know they went over and got the pizza but the person just berated them rude and that was it we called him said

you're rude and we're not coming back and I meant it even employees would try to sneak behind our back at Unity and buy pizza from the place we would tell them do it again you'll be fired which sounds like geez look where's the love that is the love the love is that person was harming other people and we or we would not come back because we're trying to send a message to him when you guys because of your taste buds insist on that place go then go work somewhere else because what you're doing is you're

you're splitting our energy we're trying to stand together and make a point and no child should divide its parents in their integrity and their choice making and no employees should do that to the leaders of a business you know like this is what we're about we're doing this today we're saying no to that we're trying to teach the dog this and that the children this is that the employees this or that whatever it is and somebody undermines that man it screws everything up other than overt abuse the second

worst thing you can do to raising a child or employees or anything else might do that you're sort of in charge of a rerunning and leadership role over the second other than overt abuse is splitting to parents or to employed employers you know in other words showing inconsistence that's the second most harmful thing that you can bring to a place to a space divided we fall as they say all right I say even no to family members if I see I'm trying to make a change for them and it's just not happening not to it then I say no

clients counseling clients they asked for advice I give it they don't do it they ask for it again I give it again they don't do it eventually I say no I'm not gonna be giving you counseling anymore well why not you're putting conditions on you just because I don't lead to follow your advice yeah pretty much because you're still on the same problem and you're wasting your money caught calling me because you're not even using my advice so I mean seriously it's for you to find somebody that

either you'll follow or you know their advice or somebody that just digs charging you and Hut mad Minds whether you follow their advice or not so it's just kind of my white man you know the trick the trick is to do what feels right do what feels right but ask you know ask God what would you have me do you know god it's starting a new year and it's time for me to value myself so teach me how to set healthy boundaries god I know that that means that it's not me against them like good bad I get that

this is really about me needing to learn to have value and I want you to teach me how to have value for myself because I want to honor God in all things in myself and in others and I'm not honoring God when I turn away somebody that needs something so how can I say yes and still be okay and safe how can I say no and not judge myself guide me show me God you know this person asks for my coat I'm not cold and they're cold I think I'll give them my coat now I'm not gonna take a coat off my child

and give it to them you know because now they're cold so it doesn't it shouldn't cause harm and that's where it all gets kind of tricky cuz you have to ask it you know is this gonna be the greater good that's what the greater good means it doesn't just mean greater good it also means the unlikely harm no you know the least harm an unlikely arm you know and I've told so many stories along these lines I've told stories of when I went to a whatever that was called the Cinnabon places I've told that story but as a

sentient one-sentence version of it so to speak is a we took the kids there I took the kids there a year many years ago when they were little and we got there we were so excited and they were closing and you know they only had one left and my kids were like yes that's meant to be what's one left and there's us and we'll share it but there was somebody behind us in line and I'm like and they're like oh you gotta be kidding me dad we just drove 30 minutes to them all to get a Cinnabon and you're gonna

do one of your miracle things and I did I said come on guys you know and they said fine so we gave up the Cinnabon and truth be known we walked around the mall for a few minutes cuz it was closing so not much to do and then we were leaving and as we were going out the door this person with a giant bag said oh are you the guy who gave up the Cinnabon for that other person I said yeah if they go well I'm the manager and this is a box of Santa bonds that were left over that I had already pulled off the rack

because I thought they were going to waste and they gave us a box I mean a big like a 12-pack box of Santa bonds so needless to say the kids liked me that night you know dad you were right so it's just good man just to be flexible and not everybody's gonna understand when you say no and set a boundary not everybody's gonna like you for it you can say yes and not everybody's gonna like you for it you know like you give up there Cinnabon or you know so on I didn't give up my kids coat leave them cold they were gonna

survive the greater good was still it's okay to give up that Cinnabon now if it was one of their birthdays and it would I forgot to get him a gift and that's the only thing I got them and they were heart and soul you know set on it then maybe I wouldn't have been able to afford that energetically so you got to really see to become spiritual you have to have boundaries because spiritual is all be us because it's like boundaries are your spiritual muscles they confirm your Center and your strength so boundaries

are so important but you can talk spirituality if you don't have boundaries it's really it's just lip service so boundaries are where I implement my connecting with God my connecting with self my evaluating was healthy for me not healthy for me right for me not right for me also how can I be helpful to other people I mean it's an it's a it's a topic that should be like you know god I mean it needs to be out there it needs to be understood they know why isn't you know the big TV show hosts out

there that call themselves you know progressive and great wonderful why don't they do a special on boundaries one that's not clinical where they have clinical people boundaries are learning to say no from people that don't try to harm you and people are going that's right that's me I need to say no to people and they put up their defenses that's not what boundaries are you can't even have a conversation about boundaries and call it boundaries if it doesn't include you checking in to you

and to God if you don't go inside it's not a boundary it's a barrier period so that's how it all that's how the cookie crumbles and I know you know from from my own you know experiences that you know not everybody would understand for me you know gifting something to somebody even when folks give me gifts you know they mail me things you guys know that I don't really keep most things I pass them on to people who could really use them more it's not that I'm dissing your gifts it's just that I'm also saying if

somebody can use it more okay and if I had to walk into you know a nuclear power plant and push the off button on a nuclear meltdown it's the greater good the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the one you know especially if you that's from Star Trek but that's why I smiled because there was a movie or something that concluded that but it it's not gonna be true that the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the one if you don't understand and you think it's a sacrifice of the one even Jesus

oh my god he sacrificed for everybody he didn't because sacrifice would mean there's a regret to it like there's a I'm giving something of value up he's not he's going this is great I'm happy to do this I'm totally excited I'm looking forward to it you have no idea the good that's gonna come from this for everybody because when I resurrect man I'm I'm I'm dropping the whole facade the whole illusion that this world has any strength or power over you very cool

and you know so yeah there's times when I am you know be you could be down to your last few dollars and you know and gift it you know I'm not saying you should do that I'm saying I feel like I can afford that and when someone says you know Michael you know would you would you give me a hug or whatever you know sure you know even though it's risky because there's people often watching going ah oh he's hugging someone that's that's personal and they get all weird about it you know I don't care I mean I got to do

what's right and at the same time I've learned that things sometimes there's agendas and weirdnesses too so you know I kind of like everybody have to juggle that sort of thing and deal with and and the only way to say I don't want to have any sir any problems ever with anything I decide so I'm never gonna do anything at all that okay but now you just have nothing but a rigid life and you're already regretful because if you die living that way you're gonna go crap so many opportunities I could have said yes

to help people and I went and erred towards no and it really didn't bring anybody anything so now I've got to go back and try and do anything of value to make up for that so it's you're still gonna get it all we can do is our best you know certainly try not to do things that are harmful overtly harmful try not to do things that are gross or illegal and so on as best you can but we all slip and then you know you might have been dealing drugs or whatever okay now what did you get from that learn from

that come back come back to Center and learn from that and move forward you know and be a sponsor because that's another way to work miracles well I don't have time I you know why not you've taken from people and helped turn them on to drugs it might have killed some of them how about just giving some advice to some of them as a sponsor not as a sacrifice all fine I gotta go and be a sponsor to make up for my guilt I'm saying find the happiness and that's one way to know that you're doing something

right Jesus says in a course of miracles is the happiness level if you can say god this feels good you know then you're probably doing the right thing you know and even that's not a hundred percent of the time because you might feel great about it like 99% but that 1% still comes back and bites you sometimes you know you your massage therapist you gifted somebody a session once because you felt sorry for them because they didn't have money and they could use a massage but then they took that to mean

oh I'm special now I'm gonna get another one free and you said no and now they're ticked off at you and you think god I should have never donated that one massage see that's the kind of stuff that happens but if you if you hear my voice even as I'm saying those regrettable moments then what starts to happen also is you know there's a tension where we can't do anything you know where nobody can make a move you know you can't you can't say why you look nice to somebody at work in that

without them a fear of them I'm gonna report you a counselor friend you know who said she hugged somebody at the clinic that she worked at you know then she got you know I guess fired or reprimanded or whatever because she did that it's like that was the right thing to do so I you know I don't get it it's just strange you know it's just strange that we run into these things but I just go you know somebody's got to do it somebody's got to walk into the nuclear plant push the off button somebody's got

to give the hug oh well then they're gonna reprimand they're gonna fight then go works in your own clinic or go open your own office or you know or be prepared ahead of time or not work at that place there's a wonderful physician in Sedona who I just found out was fired released from a clinic probably like a prestigious place I think it was in New York and and she went and studied she's a doctor but she went studied acupuncture and started implementing that in her sessions with her clients and they told her you're not allowed you

know so it's like but I just spent thousands and thousands of dollars to train in acupuncture and it's a valid art they said no so you think you got that clinical ridiculous hard-nosed all obsession style school or whatever they told her no so she loses her position you know Wow like there's so much to make us afraid of being good people there that in itself tells you this world world is absurd but there are also people that go overboard and do inappropriate things and I don't think that's very cool so we

should do our best we should try to know what seems inappropriate but we don't always know because what's inappropriate or appropriate to one person may not be such to another but I just couldn't say you know just do your best and of course in miracles' but there's this point where at one point where Jesus was sort of saying you know you're going to try to make decisions and you're still going to slip up and I'm paraphrasing but he's saying but at the end of the day it at

least do what you think is right in the moment I mean don't become paralyzed don't become immobilized like to not do too just do nothing because the that's that's hell really the immobilization is like a form of hell you're stuck you're frozen frozen is like traumatized so we need to thaw out we need to try something and I would say you know if I could name a hundred things that I've done that I would call like given to people that have asked for me to give or share a certain thing you know I would

say maybe maybe 10 or so would be things I would go maybe maybe not 10 of them and probably only two of them what I actually say yeah I probably wouldn't repeat those and that's one thing that you could say to yourself if it's something you wouldn't repeat that's a good way to know if it's something that wasn't right for you what do you do about that you go I think I got it you learned the lesson from that okay and I think that's it so many blessings to you all thanks for your time tonight

and I pray that you can take this and apply this and you'll see it makes a huge difference in your lives peace be with you thanks bye-bye