Apologizing: The Real Story–Short

hello everyone this is michael mirdad here thank you for joining us this is our friday night spiritual insights with michael mirdad so today as per um it was a couple of days ago somebody in the eden shire live on zoom which is what it's called um in that program one of our hosts facilitators mentioned the concept of apologizing and so i kind of added my two cents one because i was on the program and i added a few words to that when she was done and um and then i said you know maybe we'll just do a talk on

this so today i was thinking yeah let's do that let's go for that so simply stated some people are going to tell you to try to never apologize others will tell you you need to always apologize and so on two extremes right um but there are a lot of new age well-meaning people that say hey man don't apologize don't ever say i'm sorry because the words i'm sorry makes me a sorry soul a sorry you know like some people would say you're a sorry sop or whatever um i'm i'm a sorry soul i'm a it sounds

lowly and it puts you down no it doesn't unless that's the attitude you have when you say it you could actually just sincerely say to someone i'm deeply sorry that that happened to you or i'm sorry i knocked you over by mistake you know it's nice it's mature but it depends on the person if i'm insecure saying sorry could be part of a negative pattern of mine that is to say broken people apologize incessantly and it's a compulsion it's like you know it's it's almost like it

practically like uh a wave some knock somebody over at the beach one mile down and you saw it happen you're like oh i'm sorry you know it's just too extreme you're sorry for everything and then you are a sorry soul you know that's that is like wow you're you're pretty you're pretty a sad soul because you're you know why are you apologizing for everything it's because you have such low self-worth that you think everything's your fault which is a a reverse narcissism because you're

still thinking everything's about you but instead of everything's about you and you're better than everyone else everybody everything's about you and everybody else is better than you it's still a narcissism meaning it's a false self-centeredness everything's about you everything that goes wrong it's somehow your fault just relax that's not healthy that's not necessary it tempts other people to think negatively of you it might look you think good it's not and tempts other people it

tempts you to go deeper into this whole of self low self worth but it also tempts other people okay so just you know not just not constructive overall it's just not uh the best way to go but when people are waking up we get the opposite of the pendulum now instead of you know i'm sorry sorry sorry we start to go i never apologize it's not my fault and i know people like that they're just wounded again they they're starting to wake up means only i mean they might have just started that way instead of

this way sometimes they start overly apologizing and sometimes they start without and just being stubborn other times we start with too much and then we overcompensate by too little that's kind of how we approach this but the people that that refuse oh man i i've seen people in my life i've seen people out there in the world who no matter what they just cannot i mean their life could depend on it they can't say sorry about that my bad oops they just can't do it now what's behind that it means i'm so

wounded whether it's program scared post trauma whatever but i'm so wounded that i've dug in because if i if i say sorry once more if someone makes me take responsibility once more i'm gonna break that's what that means that i'm a very small soul that's what it means it says i can't afford any more which is sad because it could mean post-trauma people have abused you forced you to take you know responsibility for their stuff i i get that i'm just saying it's a statement it affirms i can't take

any more which means i'm already on the verge of blowing the fuse so becoming firm i never apologize anymore i used to do that too much all you're doing is becoming overreactive to having apologized it's revenge it's stubbornness it's um and you can think no no i'm just setting boundaries no boundaries are not about extremes boundaries are found somewhere in here the center so you know there's there's the too much there's the not apologizing it's not my fault you can't prove i did

it you know i've seen even political figures do that where they just they can't say oops yeah that was kind of a mistake there you know most big politicians i mean why you know what's wrong why can't you go you know i think i think we kind of made a mistake there you know very rarely can you can you find that you know i remember one big corporate person i won't name and um there was a meeting where he was talking to shareholders or he was talking to fans or whatever and um and somebody says why is this one thing

you guys put out on the market why is it why is it so crappy why doesn't it work why did you guys why do you guys keep doing this within it you know and he just goes i don't know it's a great question and i want my team members to find out i mean it's like well everybody was like whoa and they all applauded like why why didn't they start throwing tomatoes at him for for doing wrong because he owned it and said i honestly don't know why the products messed up and we need to get it right that's all

they were asking so there is a more centered what i would call you know more like mastery oriented version of of an apology first of all as you would know from anybody in 12 steps there's something called apologize and make amends in the gospels we hear about you know a person who um repents you know is the word but it still means uh rep to repent means to apologize and make amends jesus is very specific about that where he doesn't say when people flippantly apologize buy into it that's not what he says although a lot

of people pervert it to mean that what he said was when they come to you honestly truly repentant which means not only am i sorry i'm gonna guarantee you i'm working on that i'm going to be different i'm not going to do that again i'll do my best to not do that that's really repentance and when somebody does that it's worth saying okay cool all right all right and give it another shot um but i'm not telling you about enabling this isn't a talk on that this isn't a talk on boundaries

so i won't go too far with that but i will say just because they say sorry whatever and i'll make amends doesn't mean they're there they might want to but if they're weak enough they won't follow through with it so instead you probably want to consider you know let's pretend you let it go and everything's peachy copacetic but then they do it again okay apologize here comes an amends it seems serious sincere fine i'll let it go again at some point it's not that i'm doubting your

intention to be apologetic and make amends but if it's not happening the change isn't happening you still drink you still drug you still abuse you still hit me you still cheat on whatever you know on and on it seems like my staying with you isn't exactly helping oh but i'm promising promise no no no i heard you promise but it's not changing if we tried staying together and you didn't change i wonder if we need to try the only other option part and then you you know make an attempt and they might

pull through and they might not but you know the pattern is when people apologize and make amends trust as best you can now if something really tragic or dangerous happened physical abuses and abuse of the kids and that sort of thing you probably need to not go to that place and go well they apologized they said they'll never do it again i need the amends to happen before i hear you let me hear about how you've been in counseling for a couple of years and changed your ways and all that then i think we can have a conversation

the apology and amends doesn't always mean i welcome you back into my life before i see the evidence of the amends so think about that so apologies you know masters are like look you know what um all that really matters is is the way i would deal with this mind you as well is what matters is the greater good so if i'm going to apologize to you i don't want to apologize out of compulsion and i also don't want to resist apologizing so which one do i do on any given moment my feeling is what is it that bridges us

what is it that creates the greatest good this is how my brain works pretty consistently anyway which most the time it's it's really beautiful and helpful in my life once in a while i still a little too naive or a little too you know oops i trusted before you know i saw evidence or before i knew for sure it happens more on this planet new tests new levels of forgiveness to extend but for the most part what matters is the greater good so if if i think it's going to help more than it would hurt to to accept an apology from you or for

me to apologize that's what that's what i'm looking for i don't care if i did it or not you know if you thought i bumped into you and you slipped because of it and you looked at me strange oh sorry are you okay why did i say sorry because it looked from your face your expression like you needed someone to care so i said sorry about that you know i saw this happen once um somewhere in a house where something somebody bumped uh something on the wall and it fell off the wall and you know didn't hurt the person but

it just fell off and kind of bumped them on its way to the ground um but it startled them and this person i saw it and i'm like wow you know like just wanting to check out visually if everybody's okay she got ticked at me because you know why aren't you apologizing i'm looking around like what do i have to do with it and she started getting weird so i could have said lady your lesson today is to stop being i could have done that because it would have been true but the greater good was oh okay sorry about that

why did i say sorry if it wasn't me that did it because the greater good needs to take precedent guys the greater good isn't my enabling her behavior so i could have said the other two i could have said lady you know you're just out of line and that would have been okay if i would have been called to do that but in this moment without all the details the best thing was to calm it all down with an apology did it enable her ego yes that's what it was doing in her ego that's what was happening she was

getting her ego stroked the way she likes but the greater good for everybody else in that building that was it then it decompressed it was done without that she would have just kept going off on people and she was willing to go off on anybody around her okay so i look for the greater good i look for bridging um you know i've had it happen um sometimes people think if i apologize if we apologize it somehow uh confirms guilt and i think that there's a truth to that on some minor levels that if i say oh sorry they assume it

was me um but how big are you as a soul if you're worried i'm not going to apologize because then they'll think they'll think they'll think it's it's a little weird guys that's a little unhealthy and codependent so i just go well what's the greatest good i'm apologizing not for guilt and shame not compulsively i'm apologizing because it might calm a situation it might bridge because now we're talking that person tonight what happened oh sorry about that what happened see

that immediately meant it wasn't me so i can do that but if you're a big enough soul to do that some of us are like no no no i cannot apologize even if i did something i know people like that doesn't matter it's like pulling teeth as they say you're just not gonna i mean they go everywhere the deflecting um oh look at that no i don't want to look at that i want you to apologize let's say that's how the conversation goes um fine um about what about this thing you did i didn't do it

you did it's on video camera you know the acacia records we can watch the video um but um that's because i thought you wanted me to do that no a minute ago you said you didn't even do it now you're saying it's because i you thought i wanted you to but i didn't so that wasn't very nice okay open door here comes no well i'm not going to apologize because it wasn't on purpose i didn't say was on purpose it's just courtesy to say sorry because it happened but it wasn't my fault

and on and on um very small people they can't afford any kind of a threat to their little identity because either they think so lowly of themselves or they're tired of other people you know that raise them or whatever to make them feel that way but just because you were brought up that way doesn't mean you take it out on me or others now your refusal to to say sorry becomes an abusive act believe it or not i know you know a lot of people wouldn't want to believe believe that but it's true so my thing

would be all about all the mistakes apologize whenever you can it's kind of cool you have an argument with somebody even if they started it even if they magnified it you can say well i'm glad we're talking and i'm really sorry about us you know that argument you can even word things that if you heard what i just said i didn't say i'm sorry that i started it which if i don't think that's true why would i do that instead i'm sorry that it happened sorry that you got upset or i'm sorry that there was upset

uh you know sorry that this got out of line sorry for my part it's beautiful man it's not a threat to take responsibility like that no man i wish you know more people could you know could pull that off um i remember um i remember being at a sale once someplace um and people were you know were were wanting to get in to buy something they wanted and um i i remember this happened because it was so interesting there was a it's the first time i had seen these people anywhere so i'd not i didn't know

them but there was this really strong body typed woman and her really big husband and people were in line to get in this place and they would have been about maybe 15th in line but they were standing in the you know they were they were walking up and standing in the front of the line and i'm like i don't know second or third in line just hanging out and um you know just waiting and people started looking at me because they were sort of cutting in front of me but also in front of them so people are looking at me like what's up with them

you know whispering and mumbles and you know and they're like well say something to them well why were they putting me in that position well they might have sensed a strength but they also it could have partly been because i was also being cut in front of them anyway their their people are mumbling and whispering you know so i'm like okay um hey guys um you know just so you know you know everybody's in line but the the lines back there we know i tried to say that's bridging okay um okay well i guess

i guess what i'm saying is you guys should probably go back there and get in line because they're going to open any second well who do you think you are we don't have to go anywhere you tell well but the line's there so and i'm trying to be very practical and very grounded about it you know and it's getting the point where they're they're being very rude and um you know just kind of um making comments rude comments you know it's disrupting and disturbing everybody and people are oh there's

tension you know and is there going to be a fight or something you know but i'm just being firm you know you got to go back there and all that now eventually the doors open eventually we went in i think they probably walked back at least part of the way to their spot if not they went part way back and went in and so on now it just so happens that maybe a month later i saw them at another place just you know just a store or something and um they said hi and i you know i said hi and then they returned to hello

so it was nice bridging and then i sat there and thought hey by the way guys i want to apologize for the tension that happened to that oh no no it's fine they were real nice but it's not fine i knew that but they're being very nice oh no no it's fine you know we understand no no i want to apologize anyway you know um because you know there was tension and you guys seemed like really great people and i didn't i wouldn't want to know you that way and also you know some folks were getting tense and looking at me

like putting you know putting a little bit of pressure and so you know i want to apologize so we've now become friends if i see them there's hugs and it's funny thing you know if if i would have failed to apologize the friendship would have always been where they they say oh no it's no problem then they would get in their car and say yeah there was that jerk again that's how people are when they pretend to be okay i know now that they i mean i i have i have had times when uh i think i was at a sale at least once

i went to a yard sale or something and i saw him there and he didn't have any money on him and i gave him the money and he paid me back later like maybe six months later 20 or whatever it was i mean that's i mean we're not like buddies but i'm saying yeah they're friends and say hello and cordial and hugs and trust like that that would not have happened if i would have said i'm not apologizing it wasn't my fault they're the ones who this this this i know but apologizing can be a way of us making a spiritual

statement which is i care enough to bridge with you by this offering which is called offering an apology okay so think about that now i'm not telling you to enable people with an apology i'm sorry it must have been my fault that you cheated on me you know i'm sorry it must have been my fault that you molested me i'm sorry it must have been my fault etc etc no i'm not telling you to take blame i'm saying apologize where you can and when you can and certainly make amends where necessary but also use apology as a bridge

your healthy self knows how to do it to to bridge to open conversation and i've had many many times i'm only sharing that one story but many many times where that apology was turned into you know oh i'm and i'm sorry you know i i know i snapped but um i didn't mean that at you oh no problem thank you you know no problem where then all of a sudden we're bonding because i threw out an apology they then thought that was very nice or they think god he apologized it wasn't even his fault

their conscience kicks in and then allows them to turn it around into pleasant you know a pleasant experience okay so something to think about but i think an important enough conversation because it's not a flip and talk about apologizing it's about apologizing amends how people do it compulsively how people refuse to do it and somewhere in the middle mastery somewhere in the middle miracle workers who know to ask when how where to apologize how to make amends to do so whenever possible and to use it as a means of bridging

with other human beings kind of like hi there sorry about that it's a bridge and everything is about building better relationships so bridging is a great key to do that i appreciate your time folks join us any friday join us any sunday join us any wednesday tuesday monday thursday we have programs you know five out of seven days a week you know that are basically free other than invited to donations um and then some days of the week i do usually sunday afternoons i'll do a workshop um some sometimes on a saturday but

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